Don't Be My Friend

When I talk to you and confide in you I do so because you are my friend. If I say something that bothers you, then tell me...don't continue to conversate with me as though you are interested, then later come back and say it bothers you. I am many things, but no where on that list have I ever claimed to be a mind reader.

I have made many stupid choices in my life (no doubt there are more to come), all of those choices have brought me to where I am today. Each day I grow and learn something new, and for that I am proud of who I have become. I am thankful for those who have traveled this bumpy road with me. But if the bumps don't fair well with you get off the ride and enjoy your life. If you haven't noticed I am a busy girl and have no time for your crap.

To the rest of you the ride has been a blast and I look forward to traveling the long road with you!! Thanks for your love, support, understanding and most of all your honesty. In return you can all count on my love, support, understanding and honesty too!!

Happiness

What is happiness???

Happiness is 4 kids that love me unconditionally. They make me smile, sometimes laugh, and other times make me want to rip my hair out! They all have that special something that makes them an individual, yet share the best qualities that would make any mommy proud.

Happiness is a husband that has shared with me in some amazing times and some of the hardest times in my whole life. We have laughed, cried, yelled and just sat in silence, but in this moment have found the ability to see why we were brought together as husband and wife.

Happiness is friends who know who you are and love you for that. Those who see you for the good, know you when you are bad, but never walk away. Eleven years ago I saw this girl that I swear was the biggest bitch, I prayed to God she was not going to be my assigned roommate...she was! Now eleven years later I thank her for all the times she was there when I needed a friend, there the laugh and cry over the many husbands (you know you are giggling Sarah), vent and brag about all our children and and who can forget the many moves (but I always found you thanks to "mom"). A little over eight years ago I was in line at the grocery store and I met another friend...and how many hours did we sit on our butts, big and pregnant, eating tuna twist pasta? You were there for me through some hard times, maybe the only person who witnessed "hell" with me. Yet here we are, not the same as we were, but here and growing. Though our friendship has had the ups and downs of the biggest roller coaster in the world, I still love, and I am so thankful you were the one to stand the day I got married (for the 2nd time) as my maid of honor and my best friend.

Happiness is a family, that may not be my own by blood, but has loved me like I am one of them. They have supported me through all the choices I have made, most of all they have made it possible for me to go back to school and pursue a dream.

Happiness is feeling successful. I have been back to school for a over a year and I have surprised myself every step of the way. At this point I have maintained a 4.0 GPA, and I just got an A+ on my midterm. Then the biggest news of all...I took the law enforcement test, a 42 is necessary to puruse the career, I score a 50.2! As much as I struggled in high school, I make myself proud everyday, just to know that I can means so much.

Last, but certainly not least, happiness is life. Some days, weeks, even months are so hard, but when it all comes together it can be so amazing. I am so thankful for all the good things in my life, and thankful that God have always helped me over those speed bumps along the way.

Pre Halloween

We spent our weekend doing pre Halloween stuff so rather than type much I though I would share some pics.

Here are some pictures of our house.

We went trick or treating at the college this weekend too. Here are some pictures of the kids. These are not their real costumes, but they are still cute.

Family Time

This weekend I have the big boys. Their dad needed a weekend to get some stuff done so they are staying home. We have a lot planned so we will stay busy for sure. Yesterday we did our family trip to the pumpkin patch. We started the adventure in the corn maze. this was the first time for the kids. No we are not talking some kiddie maze, this was the real thing. It was long, but we had a system and the kids had a blast. Each time we came to an intersection they took turns deciding where to go. I think the funniest thing was that Kylie kept picking the dead ends and every time there was a scary creature in the dead end, she would scream and come running back our way. That is how we knew it was the wrong way. But no worries she is not traumatized at all. To redeem herself she was the one that led the way out the exit. So then we all went out picked a pumpkin and headed home. Tomorrow we will decorate them.

Tonight Dave and I had sort of a date night. We were though joined by an old friend that honestly is welcome to come on any date night. He was so much fun! Not to mention he came in handy when we ended up at the haunted house. A girl can never have to many men to hide behind when creatures are jumping out and chasing you. We dropped off the friend and headed out to the big corn maze. Thinking we would have to be rescued from the largest maze in Sonoma County, we actually surprised ourselves by making it through in under 15 minutes.

So there you have it, our Halloween Festivities have only just begun.

Stage 1 Complete

Persistence paid off yet again. After resubmitting my application to the department, I already received and email stating they accepted my application an would like me to come down and take their test. So I called and scheduled my test for November 12th. I am so excited that this first stage of the application process is over and I made it to the next step.

So now all I wanted for Christmas this year is to be hired on as a dispatcher at a department. Cross you fingers and wish me luck!!

Almost Disqualified

Last week I applied for a dispatch position at a very highly respected agency. So you can imagine my excitement to already have an email from them. Then I opened the email and realized they were turning my application down. Why? Because not knowing what it meant, I said no to overlapping shifts. I was so bummed and didn't want something that simple to disqualify me. So I called down there and talked to someone. The lady was so nice and I told her that I really wanted to work there. So she went in and released my application so I could change my answer and they could reconsider me. That was close!

Lesson learned: know what things are and what an agency is looking for. Be willing to accommodate them if you want to work there bad enough.

So cross your fingers for me and I will let you know what happens.

The 6 Foot Wall

Today I was at the academy and tried out the physical agility part of the course. I have been seeing a trainer for the past few months to get into better shape. So when it came to the push-ups, crunches, lunges, etc. I was ready. Yes it was hard, but I hung in there and did it better than most. But following the basic PT was my biggest fear, the 6 foot wall. Honestly I am 5 feet and 3 and a half inches tall, I don't just very high either. So how in the world was I gonna make it over this wall? I ran up the first time and barely accomplished anything. Then the instructor gave me some techniques and sent me to try again. I DID IT!! I made it over the wall and not once but 4 times today. I felt like I accomplished something, actually I know I did.

Physically this was a big deal, emotionally this was an even bigger deal. I am struggling so much in my personal life and that 6 foot wall was so symbolic of the barriers in my life and helping me realize that I can do anything I really want to do. I may need to try things and I may fail, but if I look for a new technique and try it again I might just accomplish what I wanted in the end.

Mid-life Crisis??

When exactly does a mid-life crisis happen? Is there an age or just a point in your life? Or is it something similar to when a woman is a little grumpy and men just assume it must be PMS?

Someone suggested to me that I was experiencing "some kind of mid-life crisis". Does the fact that I am trying to find myself after all these years of being someone's wife or the mommy to 4 kids qualify me? Then does that mean that I am going to die at about 60 years old? Honestly these things have puzzled me ever since the comment was made. But honestly I associate mid-life crisis with a hot new car, and God knows that is not anywhere in my near future. So I think if the comment must be made I should really be given that 4x4, 8 inch lifted, big old tires truck I have been wanting. Don't you agree?

So this is where I stand, and yes I am taking a stand. I am continuing to be a good mommy, as good of a wife as I can possibly be, and finding myself. Haven't found me yet, but I think I am headed towards the right road.

Role Play

Sometimes life can be so funny. Little things can happen that can really throw you for a loop...good and bad that is. I have had so many of those moments the last few days, thankfully the good outweigh the bad by far. For that I am thankful to my friends.

Today was an interesting day. I went out to the police academy to do role play for the future police officers, if they pass of course. So they get dispatched to a call and we play out a scenario, the react and are graded by an evaluator. I did sign papers that I cannot talk much about the day, but I can say I had to attempt suicide 6 times...what a place to be emotionally. I was also in a bar scene that was a lot less emotional though. Overall it honestly was a really fun day, I learned so much, yet I also had a chance to see how much I have learned in school. I am taking a criminal procedures class this semester so it benefited me the most in this aspect of my life.

Now I am home, exhausted after a long night. Tomorrow I will be back at the academy, who knows what trouble I will be getting myself into.

Lost

I am in such a funk today. I have so much built up inside that I have to keep inside and I just wanna scream. All these feelings I have to keep inside, but honestly how long does it have to be this way? And why can't people just leave me alone, if I don't want to talk, don't pry. There are certain things that don't involve everyone in my life and chances are I am not going to open up.

My life...just when I think I know what direction I am going everything changes. I know what is in my heart, I know what I truly want, I just really have no idea how to get there. So I will keep searching for the balance and the happiness in those parts of my life they are missing. It is just funny how those I reach out to just push me away and those I need space from won't back away, hmm....maybe that's my problem!

Babies and Tickets

I had the privilege of babysitting a sweet little boy today. I love babies, but I do not want anymore of my own. So a friend was in need of last minute child care and it worked out well with my schedule for the day. He was so sweet and Kylie was just the best assistant babysitter ever.

While we were babysitting we had a visit from a friend I haven't seen much since she moved away. Elina and I have been friends for at least 10 years now. She was this anti baby women when we met, terrified of their germs, annoyed by every sound they made, and now she is one of the most amazing mommies I have ever met. She loves little Ellie like a perfect mommy should. We sat for a while and talked mom talk then headed out for lunch. It was a great morning and afternoon.

Then it happened...I got my first ticket in 7 years. I even tried telling the officer that I was trying to get a job at a police department and I needed to keep my record clean, but the stupid CHP officer didn't care. He did tell me that I was welcome to take driving school online to clear it from my record, wasn't that thoughtful? So my wonderful day turned kinda crappy in an instant.

Now my children are heading out the door to go with Grandma, they are having a little birthday party for Grandpa tonight and I have to work. I'm sure the night will be better then the day ended up.

Where I stand...

My class is making me crazy. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA till now and this class is the first time that my grade depends so much on a group effort. We each have to write a paper on one topic then one person has to combine all the papers to make a final draft. As you can see off to the right under the "How is school going?" list we are not doing all that well. So we have 2 down and 6 to go. I am the only one going full force with every extra credit opportunity, maybe that will make the difference. I know that I cannot have a perfect grade in every class, but it would be nice if I was in control of my grade and not depending on other people.

As for my other class I am doing really well. I have my first out of 2 essays for the semester due this Friday and I feel really good about it. I am also in the midst of trying to plan out what I need to take next semester so I can be prepared to tell any potential employer.

Then I have the news about the job search. I have applied for a dispatcher position at two different police departments. I finally, after about 2 months, got the email I was waiting for. On October 25th I will be taking the POST written test, which will determine whether or not I move forward in the application process. So I could really use the support right now, cross your fingers and wish me luck.

Off

You know those times when you have something you need to say? The words are so clear in you head, but for whatever reason they just don't seem the same when and if they come out. This seems to be the story of my life right now. I have these things in my head that I can't seem to get out. Things that really need to come out, they are important but they are stuck there. So the thought is if I ramble about to to the world maybe then I will solve the problem.

I have the day off today, from work and school. Amazing I know because honestly this is really rare. There is so much I need to get done, but even still it feels like there is not nearly enough time. I have a friend coming over and I really need to see her. She is that friend I can tell anything to. Our schedules are so crazy it is really hard for us to talk. This really should be a good day...something about it is so off for me though.

Oh well, better luck tomorrow I guess.

Pumpkin Patch

It's those little moments you take for granted. The family things you do every year, but when it is a miracle for all the schedules to come together you really appriciate those times. I was supposed to be off work today and we decided that rain or shine we were going to the pumpkin patch. Then the boss told me I had to work and we agreed on a night shift this I didn't have to change my plans. So we did it. We put on our boots and prepared ourselves for a muddy day. It wasn't that bad, no rain and hardly any mud. We climbed hay piles and hoped back down, went through a hay maze, picked out the perfect pumpkins and even milked a cow. Yep the girl from San Diego finally milked a cow. And by the way, for those who have not tried it, it's not like you see in the movies. Oh and it fells really weird too. But now after 28 year I can say I have done it, right?

It was a great morning and now I have to start getting ready for work. I finally got tired of such and unpredictable schedule, I told the bosses that I am no longer available of Thurdays and Fridays. At least now I can have some set days to get the things done around here. Hopefully that will be that start to finding my balance.