Mother

Standing there at about 7 years old looking down the narrow hallway at a man with a gun...the target is the women standing behind me so he keeps telling me to get out of the way, but I look at my step father and tell him, " If you going to shoot my mommy you are gonna have to shoot me too." This unfortunate memory pops into my head at least once a week. I am nearing 30 and I can't make it go away. The countless times I walked in to the horrific abuse, seeing my mothers face shoved between the waterbed bag and frame in an attempt to suffocate her, or the bruises, or the times I sat in the room at the women's shelter playing with toys while my mother went through the intake process to get us a safe place to sleep....it won't go away, it haunts me all the time.

Why would a man do this to a women? I was so young and of course they both have their own story, so from my perspective it is a "chicken and egg" situation. Did her affair cause the abuse or did the abuse cause the affair? She can deny the affair, call it just friends, but I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and wondering why mommy was kissing another man. Not that this could ever justify what he did to her, but it was all a part of how I became me.

So I look back at the relationship I have with my mother, the comments she has felt the need to make so public on my blog and wonder....can you fault me for the relationship I have with you? I have grown to be a very strong women, a women she man never actually get the chance to know, which is sad. I know that anger is a waste of energy, that there is a positive in every situation and finding that can guide you through the toughest times.

So I end this with a message to the women who gave birth to me...save you negativity for someone else, the strain in our relationship started too many years ago and if I have to deal day to day with the life you gave me the least you can do is accept the distance and lack of communication between us and move on. The reality is that you can say anything you want to say about me, but those close to me are the ones who know me and your angry words are transparent and effect no one but you.

Rainy Day Schedule

I love the rain....I love the excuse to just wear sweats, sit around cuddled up in a blanket, watch tv....RELAX. Watching cars drive by as the mist blows up behind them, hearing the pouring rain hitting the rooftop.

I love to walk with the kids and jump in puddles, something so simple so many overlook. Why is it that most hate when they come across a puddle....have you ever stopped and just jumped in? It's not an everyday thing, we all have days we are not in "puddle jumping attire", but it's something everyone should do every now and then.

I love the wind blowing the trees and the leaves. The way they all just flutter around can be so memorizing if you just stop and stare.

And most of all I love my little girl and her precious voice as she tells me the things that pop up in her mind as we sit here. She is drawing a picture and telling me stories and we sit here on our rainy day schedule.

Smiling

What is in a relationship....when I was in elementary school a boy would come and say, "Will you be my girlfriend?" It was so simple. Now we are adults and I guess a label really doesn't matter, but I am a "need to know" girl. I have to know where things stand all along the way...to an extent. I say this all in fun, because I am learning each day that I don't need the label (not right now, I can wait), I need the actions, after all don't actions speak louder than words?

So I know I have not talked about any relationships since my divorce, but we have been apart for just over 6 months, and let's face it I am gonna have other relationships....so I am going to slowly come out of my shell and talk about my life....SLOWLY!

I have this man, this amazing man, he makes me smile, makes me feel wanted, loves spending time with me.....makes me happy. I deserve that, to be happy again. But we are, in words, "just friends". I mean it has been two months, and we are comfortable (he farts around me now! haha) but not quite to the full commitment. The last couple weeks has been tough, but he has been my rock and as I sit here in his jacket I just smile...you can't see me but I am smiling.

Here At Good

I made it here, through ups and downs, I did it. I did this, what I am going through, it was all my choice. So I took it on and made it here. Now I struggle with a new hurdle, one that is very much out of my control and scarier than anything else I could ever come across. I am strong and I will get through this one too.

I have some great things going for me, things to make me smile everyday. Things that are so big it would take a natural disaster to bring me down. I am learning very quickly that life is too short for harsh words, and fighting, and tears.

So since I have been gone for a while I will say, my divorced is final, I am a Colera again, my ex is amazing, he is the best daddy and a strong man....through all his hurt he is there, when I really need him he is there, I couldn't really ask for more. My kids are doing very well, each enjoying school and making us proud everyday. DJ is in band, Dakota is a step closer to being independant, Aiden is advanced is some aspects of kindergarten, and Kylie took to preschool like a champ.