Standing there at about 7 years old looking down the narrow hallway at a man with a gun...the target is the women standing behind me so he keeps telling me to get out of the way, but I look at my step father and tell him, " If you going to shoot my mommy you are gonna have to shoot me too." This unfortunate memory pops into my head at least once a week. I am nearing 30 and I can't make it go away. The countless times I walked in to the horrific abuse, seeing my mothers face shoved between the waterbed bag and frame in an attempt to suffocate her, or the bruises, or the times I sat in the room at the women's shelter playing with toys while my mother went through the intake process to get us a safe place to sleep....it won't go away, it haunts me all the time.
Why would a man do this to a women? I was so young and of course they both have their own story, so from my perspective it is a "chicken and egg" situation. Did her affair cause the abuse or did the abuse cause the affair? She can deny the affair, call it just friends, but I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and wondering why mommy was kissing another man. Not that this could ever justify what he did to her, but it was all a part of how I became me.
So I look back at the relationship I have with my mother, the comments she has felt the need to make so public on my blog and wonder....can you fault me for the relationship I have with you? I have grown to be a very strong women, a women she man never actually get the chance to know, which is sad. I know that anger is a waste of energy, that there is a positive in every situation and finding that can guide you through the toughest times.
So I end this with a message to the women who gave birth to me...save you negativity for someone else, the strain in our relationship started too many years ago and if I have to deal day to day with the life you gave me the least you can do is accept the distance and lack of communication between us and move on. The reality is that you can say anything you want to say about me, but those close to me are the ones who know me and your angry words are transparent and effect no one but you.
This is me!
About Me
- Mom of 4
- What do you wanna know?? I am divorced, I have 4 kids, going to school and back to work after 5 years. I am working on finding the balance in it all and honestly enjoying the ride!!
1 comment:
your big on talk cheap on applying them to yourself. All because of a comment "what about the kids?" there are no angry words only facts. which is exactly what you don't want your followers to actually know or get access to. so your friends know and approve on how you have to bring up private morbid details of what happened. they know, that you know, that it took medical help to diminish and in some cases forget most if not all those ugly details. you are no less abusive that he was by constantly bringing it back to life. most were gone except you are like a dog with a bone you refuse to let it be gone. what happened 25+ years ago has nothing to do with your behaviour in the last 6 years but as always it's what you do to be the center of your own pitty party. I didn't seek you out...you manipulated contacting me. do your friends know you used your kids for this task. that they don't know me, and I don't know them, because if things don't go your way then I couldn't have anything to do with them. and for what to repeat what you have always done, repeat your own form of abuse. that you went back on your word to not bring up the past. that in fact, you couldn't hold yourself back from bringing it up over and over. that telling you "it's not an option to bring up that topic" wasn't acceptable to you. no one forced you to leave vial vulgar telephone message... you did it knowingly. For the record, just because you opt to publicize your relentless man after man issues publicly, and intimate details of YOUR life doesn't give you the right to detail someone elses pain and suffering in detail for the world to read. If your friends, who think they know you, learn anything from this it will be that you feed off of divulging other peoples pain and exploiting it. That you don't, you won't let people forget, horrific times in their life. That if someones happy, content, at peace your drama andrenaline kicks in and chaos follows in endless forms. The truth is that you've always been argumentative, defiant, a screamer and wanted your way otherwise there was hell to pay one way or another. Anyone who doesn't play by your rules ends up a victim sooner or later. Perhaps your not being able to forget those morbid details is your punishment for all your efforts in trying to make me relive them. Unlike you, I actualy APPRECIATE MY HUSBAND and LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS not for what he can or can't give me which you have never approved of because it happened for me.
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