Fall Together?

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so we can learn to let go, things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

This is the quote that is getting me through. I seem to find myself stuck on the first and the last things for some reason. "People change so we can learn to let go"....what a hard lesson to learn. No matter how many times people have changed I find the strength to let go to be the hardest lesson to grasp. I hate letting people go, being on bad terms, finality.....yet there are those few in my life I have let go, the ones I have needed to really let go, and there are those who now need to let go of me.

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together." The most powerful thing I have heard in a while, and so very true. In this moment of falling apart it is so hard to remember that better things may eventually fall together. They do fall together, but when is the better good enough to not fall apart? When will I find the "better" that will stay in my life? Ahh the questions I have, but only one knows the answer ;-)

My New Foundation

I take it one day at a time, putting each day together as I go, rebuilding the blocks....yet again! I always seem to make a good start, but haven't found the right combo for my foundation to be solid enough to hold the structure I am hoping to end up with in the long run. So for now I am taking the time, really planning out the foundation, the most solid approach possible. Making an effort to make this the last time I have to start over. Hoping this will be the time I come out with the dream I have been dreaming of for so long.

This has been the time more than anytime before when I have found out who my friends are. For that I am so thankful...they have held me together when I have fallen apart, making me stronger with each day that goes by....Thank You!!!

A Day ( or a week) In Someone Else's Shoes

We all the know the phrase, "Why don't you try spending a day in my shoes?" But how often do you really have to spend a day in that person's shoes, I mean REALLY spend a day in their shoes? And what if it was a whole week? And even worse what if you couldn't call that person when you had a question and you had to make a judgement call that could impact their life, even in the smallest way? Or if that day not only included doing everything they needed done as well as living in your own shoes? Welcome to my week.....

My boyfriend had to go away for the week and where he is going there is no possible use of a phone so I have no contact this whole week. While he is gone I am housesitting for one of his clients (he runs a dog walking/pet sitting business) where there are 2 dogs, 3 cats and a bird. I also have to walk dogs daily, different ones depending on the day and get the rest of the stuff out of the house he is moving out of by Thursday. All this while I have people calling trying to get the keys he has to the rugby field, former roommates asking for money to pay for the cleaning people and the carpet cleaner. The icing on the cake is that it is spring break for my kids so they are with me part of the week. Needless to say he left yesterday, he is returning Friday, it s only Tuesday and I feel like it has been a month already. Not that maintaining 2 people's lives isn't hard enough, but I miss him so much.

But all in all I am doing it. I am getting through each day and doing my best to get everything that needs to be done completed, as well as making time for fun adventures for the kids. Today we took the dogs we walk out to the Marin Headlands where they could see the light house and the old military bunkers. They had a good time and I was "multitasking"!!!! Tomorrow night the kids are all going back to their dad's house and I will finish up the week on my own, then Friday I will pick up Jer and we will get back to our life the way we know it.

My New Love

A change in my life has occurred and I am loving it. The man I have been with for almost 8 months has turned out to be more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I love that I am in love again, something I feared I may have become to jaded to do. The relationship took time compared to what I had in the past, baby steps as he would say.

In my last post I talked about us being "just friends" and he is no doubt on of my best friends. In the past relationships have gone from hello to I love you in a matter of weeks. Jeremiah made me work for the I love you and 6 months to the day from when we met he said those three words every girl loves to hear. And for those of you who know that I rush to the aisle, have no fear....although this is definitely a man I could see getting married to and growing old with, there is no rush to the alter anytime soon. My thought is that all the work and the time put into this one may actually build a long and lasting relationship.

Going Back

This semester has really been tough for me. I am so used to having homework to do and became somewhat addicted to learning new things that I have really had a hard time not doing anything. So you can imagine my relief to finally register for the Spring. Granted it is a ways off, it made me feel great to make going back to school official. But I am not going full force like I was before, not yet. I have decided that I am really enjoying being able to go on field trips with the kiddos and work in the classroom and I am not willing to give up my free time to be in my own classroom, sooooo.....I have made the choice to take 2 online classes. Even better I am taking a break from my law and criminal justice classes and getting some general ed out of the way. So next semester I will be taking General Psychology and Political Science. Both seem like they will be very interesting and I am really looking forward to what comes from these classes.

So I am going to take the next couple months to try to relax, enjoy the holidays and a little free time, then it's back at it expanding my knowledge. Wish me luck!!

Mother

Standing there at about 7 years old looking down the narrow hallway at a man with a gun...the target is the women standing behind me so he keeps telling me to get out of the way, but I look at my step father and tell him, " If you going to shoot my mommy you are gonna have to shoot me too." This unfortunate memory pops into my head at least once a week. I am nearing 30 and I can't make it go away. The countless times I walked in to the horrific abuse, seeing my mothers face shoved between the waterbed bag and frame in an attempt to suffocate her, or the bruises, or the times I sat in the room at the women's shelter playing with toys while my mother went through the intake process to get us a safe place to sleep....it won't go away, it haunts me all the time.

Why would a man do this to a women? I was so young and of course they both have their own story, so from my perspective it is a "chicken and egg" situation. Did her affair cause the abuse or did the abuse cause the affair? She can deny the affair, call it just friends, but I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and wondering why mommy was kissing another man. Not that this could ever justify what he did to her, but it was all a part of how I became me.

So I look back at the relationship I have with my mother, the comments she has felt the need to make so public on my blog and wonder....can you fault me for the relationship I have with you? I have grown to be a very strong women, a women she man never actually get the chance to know, which is sad. I know that anger is a waste of energy, that there is a positive in every situation and finding that can guide you through the toughest times.

So I end this with a message to the women who gave birth to me...save you negativity for someone else, the strain in our relationship started too many years ago and if I have to deal day to day with the life you gave me the least you can do is accept the distance and lack of communication between us and move on. The reality is that you can say anything you want to say about me, but those close to me are the ones who know me and your angry words are transparent and effect no one but you.

Rainy Day Schedule

I love the rain....I love the excuse to just wear sweats, sit around cuddled up in a blanket, watch tv....RELAX. Watching cars drive by as the mist blows up behind them, hearing the pouring rain hitting the rooftop.

I love to walk with the kids and jump in puddles, something so simple so many overlook. Why is it that most hate when they come across a puddle....have you ever stopped and just jumped in? It's not an everyday thing, we all have days we are not in "puddle jumping attire", but it's something everyone should do every now and then.

I love the wind blowing the trees and the leaves. The way they all just flutter around can be so memorizing if you just stop and stare.

And most of all I love my little girl and her precious voice as she tells me the things that pop up in her mind as we sit here. She is drawing a picture and telling me stories and we sit here on our rainy day schedule.

Smiling

What is in a relationship....when I was in elementary school a boy would come and say, "Will you be my girlfriend?" It was so simple. Now we are adults and I guess a label really doesn't matter, but I am a "need to know" girl. I have to know where things stand all along the way...to an extent. I say this all in fun, because I am learning each day that I don't need the label (not right now, I can wait), I need the actions, after all don't actions speak louder than words?

So I know I have not talked about any relationships since my divorce, but we have been apart for just over 6 months, and let's face it I am gonna have other relationships....so I am going to slowly come out of my shell and talk about my life....SLOWLY!

I have this man, this amazing man, he makes me smile, makes me feel wanted, loves spending time with me.....makes me happy. I deserve that, to be happy again. But we are, in words, "just friends". I mean it has been two months, and we are comfortable (he farts around me now! haha) but not quite to the full commitment. The last couple weeks has been tough, but he has been my rock and as I sit here in his jacket I just smile...you can't see me but I am smiling.

Here At Good

I made it here, through ups and downs, I did it. I did this, what I am going through, it was all my choice. So I took it on and made it here. Now I struggle with a new hurdle, one that is very much out of my control and scarier than anything else I could ever come across. I am strong and I will get through this one too.

I have some great things going for me, things to make me smile everyday. Things that are so big it would take a natural disaster to bring me down. I am learning very quickly that life is too short for harsh words, and fighting, and tears.

So since I have been gone for a while I will say, my divorced is final, I am a Colera again, my ex is amazing, he is the best daddy and a strong man....through all his hurt he is there, when I really need him he is there, I couldn't really ask for more. My kids are doing very well, each enjoying school and making us proud everyday. DJ is in band, Dakota is a step closer to being independant, Aiden is advanced is some aspects of kindergarten, and Kylie took to preschool like a champ.

My New World (Dedicated to Sarah and Carrie)

I walked into this new life not knowing which way the wind would blow. I have been happy, sad, surpirsed, and sared out of my mind. I have spent days thinking that if I would have just stayed with him I would have been ok....really would I be ok?? Is listening to a man yell at me and put me down ok? Is it worth hearing that just to have some financial stability?? Here is what I have found.....

I have friends who will listen to me cry, cheer me on in those moments when I muster the strength to push through those tough times and celebrate those wonderful moments that come more often then I was expecting.

I have children who love me even on the days that I feel like the world is falling apart. When I can't take anymore and just lay down and cry they hold me the way I have held them so many times. They share their lives and their toys and their happiness with me, they run laps around the track with me when I feel like I need to get in shape, and no matter what the days bring they walk beside me and give me strength.

I have men, amazing men...that are my friends first and yes some are more here and there, but always there for whatever I need.

I have a job that I have worked hard at and I love. A boss that knows that life brings some crazy ups and downs, and does all he can to be flexible and allow me to grow, never faulting me for being human.

And best of all I have me! I have times when I can just come home curl up in bed with my blankie and a movie and just relax. Or times when I can drive out to the coast and take a walk and continue the never ending journey of finding myself.

So I walked away from so much when I left my marriage, but I walked into a world that is MINE... a world I can mold into anything I want. I am a determined women and no one can take my dreams from me...so look out world, here I come.

End of the School Year

The school year has ended leaving me with a preschooler, kindergartner, 3rd grader and a 5th grader. Yes all 4 will be in school, what a big year we have ahead. Here are a few pics from the last day of school for the boys.

Aiden graduates preschool.

Dakota finished 2nd grade and had a wonderful year.

And DJ finished 4th grade is is going into his last year before junior high.

What I have learned this school year from my children is this... 1) Doesn't matter how many kids you have you still tear up when they graduate preschool. 2) An autistic child can be absolutely amazing and grow into his own with each year without all the crap and therapy everyone thinks you should put them through. 3) A little boy will always be his mommy's boy even when as he grows up and goes into the last year of elementary school. 4) A little girl may be your baby but you can't stop her from getting older, she just has to be a bigger baby girl. 5) No matter how tough it is to be a mommy, it is by far the most rewarding job ever! I am so proud of each of my children and who they are growing up to be each day.

Let summer begin!

Doing Well

I can't believe that the semester is almost at an end, and I will have finished another semester as a college student. This was a tough one and my 4.0 GPA is gone with the wind, but the important thing is that I made it through despite all the tough things that happened in my life. So next week I have my finals and then I have decided to take the summer off and just regroup. Then when fall comes I will be back at it again.

The kids are good and adjusting really well to all the changes that have occurred. We are looking forward to all of our usual summer outings and just having time together. Then with the end of summer comes some big step for all the kids too. DJ will enter his last year in elementary school being a 5th grader. Dakota will continue on his journey as a 3rd grader. Aiden makes the giant leap into kindergarten, he gets to go to school with his brothers. And little Miss Kylie will start preschool. They are all doing so well and really looking forward to what is to come, and Dave and I are so incredibly proud of them.

My new home is turning out to be a great choice. Aside from being a bit of a drive from everywhere I need to be, I am making it all work out. My roommate is awesome, and really working with me on having the kids over. The kids love having him as a new friend in their life and it has really helped make the transition smoother.

Aiden has almost completed his first year of baseball. He was lucky enough to have his Daddy and the head coach and his Mommy as team mom. Yet another thing that has really helped with the changes in our lives, it has allowed Aiden to see that no matter what Dave and I will always be there and that we can work together as a team. He has 3 more games before it is over and we may move on to soccer next.

So there you have it, a bit of an update on our lives. We are still facing some challenges, but we are doing our best to keep those between the adults and sheltering the kids from the stressful situations.

Finding Peace

Well here I sit...yes sit. Those who know me know that I don't get to just sit very often. I have been so busy lately that I needed a moment to just sit. I am doing really well, settling into my new life and really finding peace and comfort with it all. School in hectic, but it is starting to wind down to the end of the semester. Sadly my 4.0 GPA went away this year, but through all the chaos I am still passing all my classes.

So I have taken the time to strip down everything in my life, all in an attempt to simplify things, and I am slowly rebuilding it all again. There is this sense of peace that I feel with each day that goes by. Not to say that I don't struggle or have moments where I just want to cry, but it all seems to be coming together better and faster than I had planned.

So to all those who have been here, through each moment that has passed, thank you for your unconditional love and support. To those who had their doubts, you probably always will, good for you, maybe someday you too will find peace in your life and not think so negative of everyone else.

Divorce!

So at this point the news is out. Dave and I are getting divorced. Not just filing and ending the marriage part actually moving this week. We both have a place and are starting to separate the things we have accumulated over the last 6 years. I know this was my choice and I am really doing okay, but there are those moments it is so weird to me.

Yesterday he called and asked me to open the garage, he wanted to take some stuff over to his new house. We have not really discussed who gets what, neither of us has felt any time has been right to have that talk. So I open the door and go inside. A few minutes later I thought maybe I would go out and say hello. Here I thought he was just taking some of the obvious things that were "his". I find him and three friends out there and half the garage loaded up in three truck loads. UGH!

But this is not a bitter divorce. Yes we have our "I hate you" moments, but overall we are actually getting along better the more we start to separate our lives. I guess it is something we should have considered more a while ago. I love him, something that may never change and he will always be one of my best friends. Yes we were probably one of the most perfect couples years ago, but we have changed. I never had the chance to grow up and find me. I was always someone's wife or mommy. Recently I have had the time to start to find a person deeper than that and sadly who I am is not as compatable with the man he has become. But that doesn't mean either is a bad person.

So we will continue on to see where this road takes us, making our own rules as we go. You all know it has never been like us to follow a path already laid out in front of us. Dave and I tend to see the path and think we can make a better one of our own. So why in the world should that change now?

Enjoy the Ride

There was this time in my life where I was in a "relationship" with someone, we knew it couldn't ever actually go anywhere, but we also knew there was no time limit on how long we could just have our little thing. When it all fell apart it did because he said he would never allow himself to fall in love with me, no matter how much he had feelings for me, because it was pointless knowing we would never stay together.

So today I was talking with a friend and this type of situation was the topic of our discussion. Is it possible or even worth falling in love with someone you can never have in the end?

I say yes. Have you ever gone to a theme park and seen that big huge roller coaster? You see the line is really long and it will take forever to get on, yet you really want to. You know the ride won't last long and when you are off you won't have the time or chance to do it again, which sucks because you will probably want to do it again, but you can only go once. So you make the choice to stand in line for two hours, you get on the ride that lasts 90 seconds, it is the most amazing ride, you adrenaline is pumping like never before, and then the ride ends. You get off and it's time to head home. Yep it's all over and you will never get that chance again. In that moment you realize that even though you can't have that experience again with that roller coaster there is a part of you that is a better person for making that commitment and going for the ride.

So why does love have to be different? You take that chance, spend that time, and fall in love. Even in those moments you know it will never be a permanent thing every experience is one we learn from and one we grow from. Who would you be if you never took those chances?

The Path

Sometimes in life you have to find that path that takes you where you wanna go. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The path never seems to be the easy one to find. So along the way you try the paths you come across. Some right there in the open, some just around a bend and others require you to leap from rock to rock to get to the other side of a creek just to start your journey down a path. But the path you are searching for, that path is much harder to find. Sometimes you need the experiences of those other ways to get you to this path.

I am on this journey. I have gone down so many different paths in my life already, yet still searching for the one. There must be one that will lead me to happiness...you know that happiness that so many talk about? I often wonder how it can be that some people find their way so early in life. Is it the real "way" or just a few good days down that wrong road? Or is it that really their life is not that grand, they just have an amazing way of hiding the truth that is going on in their life?

Don't get me wrong I do not think that life is all negative, and those who know me know that although a may hit a bump in the road I can usually sort through and find the positive in any situation. I just have to wonder why after all that I have conquered in my life, when will it be my time to just be happy?

I Am 29!

29...what is the significance of being 29? So many people revert back to that age when asked how old they are. I mean what 50 year old says they are 33 when asked their age? So what is it about 29?

Is it the the 20's are the link between childhood and adulthood. 29 being the last year would be important in your life.

Or is it that the 20's are quit possibly the biggest character defining decade of you whole life? Most people go into their 20's ready to party, become legal, and...well follow what comes. By the end of your 20's most seem to be on a path in the direction that they will follow for most of their life.

Whatever the significance is I hope that 29 is a year to remember, full of the best memories of my life. I mean if I am going to use that age for the rest of my life, I want it to be the best year ever!

My Semester

Now that I am in the third week of school I am hoping to have more time to blog. I think I have a flow and I guess only time will tell. So here is the scoop on my classes so far.

I am taking Speech this semester, probably one of the least desired classes ever, but it is required for my degree. The teacher is awesome. She is probably in her mid thirties and a total smart ass so we laugh a lot in class. I have to give my first 2 minute speech already, about something that represents me. Well what would i speak about??? My children of course. I talked about each one and traits about them that are so much like their mommy. I think I did well, but I am waiting for my grade.

Then there is Advanced Criminal Law. The teacher is amazing. I have had him before and I love him. The class is all about learning the Penal Code, but we laugh, make smart ass comments, and jokes throughout the whole class. I am excited to say there is no homework in this class because he feels the content is so tough we need time to study. I have one assignment that requires I go to court and write a paper, but that typically comes easy to me.

World Humanities is next...this is a tough class. The teacher is a total hippie and though she is very blunt, but she can be funny. Just don't be late to her class or she will make it known what time you should have arrived. This class seems to focus a lot on Africa, but the hard part for me is that I have not taken history and a lot of discussion focus on history. She was very understanding to my learning disability so I think I will do well.

My Literacy class is lame, taught by a librarian about how to use the library. Need i say more???

The last two classes are weight training and cardio kickboxing so I can get my butt in shape this year. Seems to be working well so far.

So there you have it my whole semester. The rest of my life seems to be going well, the kids are all good, my husband seems to have a lot of bids out for jobs and for the most part work it really fun. Best of all my birthday is on Sunday...and those who know me know how much I love my birthday.

Diving Right In

Well it's official I have survived my first week of school. As you can see my blog has been the thing in my life to suffer. Although the week has been packed full of going to class, doing homework and spending time with my family, I have had no time to update the rest of you on my life. Just in one week of class I can barely walk from P.E., I have to write a speech, color and fill in a map of Africa, take a tour on the library and do 2 pages of assignments and write a biography. Oh but wait that doesn't even touch on what I have to read. So yes I have been busy.

Yesterday I went to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco with the husband to visit the Afghanistan Exhibit. This was yet another assignment for a class, World Humanities. We took a tour through the packed full of people exhibit and experienced some of the culture. Not pictures were allowed in the exhibit so the only picture I have is the one below take on the second story. I then came home and had to write a one page paper about my experience. So I went, I saw and I wrote. And I will try my best to update you a little more often.

Standing At The Starting Line

You know that feeling where you are standing at the start line waiting for the shot to be fired so you can sprint your way to the finish line. The anticipation that builds and builds. Then just before the race starts, that point where you are not just standing there but you are actually in position ready to go. Your heart is pounding and it is almost hard to breathe. You know you will do well, confidence is not the problem, you just wanna do it. It's not the finish you long for, it's the race itself. The competitive side that longs for the run, seeing the person next to you coming close, then just before you cross the finish you pull ahead.

That is where I am right now. Last spring I took 3 units, then 6 in the fall. Now I am taking 12 units at the JC. I am so ready to take on the semester and up until today I have just been standing around at the start line waiting for them to say it's time for my race. But tonight is my first class, I am in position and ready to face the challenge head on. I just can't wait to actually be in school. Only a few more hours and I will be complaining about the hardest semester yet.