Fall Together?

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so we can learn to let go, things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

This is the quote that is getting me through. I seem to find myself stuck on the first and the last things for some reason. "People change so we can learn to let go"....what a hard lesson to learn. No matter how many times people have changed I find the strength to let go to be the hardest lesson to grasp. I hate letting people go, being on bad terms, finality.....yet there are those few in my life I have let go, the ones I have needed to really let go, and there are those who now need to let go of me.

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together." The most powerful thing I have heard in a while, and so very true. In this moment of falling apart it is so hard to remember that better things may eventually fall together. They do fall together, but when is the better good enough to not fall apart? When will I find the "better" that will stay in my life? Ahh the questions I have, but only one knows the answer ;-)

My New Foundation

I take it one day at a time, putting each day together as I go, rebuilding the blocks....yet again! I always seem to make a good start, but haven't found the right combo for my foundation to be solid enough to hold the structure I am hoping to end up with in the long run. So for now I am taking the time, really planning out the foundation, the most solid approach possible. Making an effort to make this the last time I have to start over. Hoping this will be the time I come out with the dream I have been dreaming of for so long.

This has been the time more than anytime before when I have found out who my friends are. For that I am so thankful...they have held me together when I have fallen apart, making me stronger with each day that goes by....Thank You!!!

A Day ( or a week) In Someone Else's Shoes

We all the know the phrase, "Why don't you try spending a day in my shoes?" But how often do you really have to spend a day in that person's shoes, I mean REALLY spend a day in their shoes? And what if it was a whole week? And even worse what if you couldn't call that person when you had a question and you had to make a judgement call that could impact their life, even in the smallest way? Or if that day not only included doing everything they needed done as well as living in your own shoes? Welcome to my week.....

My boyfriend had to go away for the week and where he is going there is no possible use of a phone so I have no contact this whole week. While he is gone I am housesitting for one of his clients (he runs a dog walking/pet sitting business) where there are 2 dogs, 3 cats and a bird. I also have to walk dogs daily, different ones depending on the day and get the rest of the stuff out of the house he is moving out of by Thursday. All this while I have people calling trying to get the keys he has to the rugby field, former roommates asking for money to pay for the cleaning people and the carpet cleaner. The icing on the cake is that it is spring break for my kids so they are with me part of the week. Needless to say he left yesterday, he is returning Friday, it s only Tuesday and I feel like it has been a month already. Not that maintaining 2 people's lives isn't hard enough, but I miss him so much.

But all in all I am doing it. I am getting through each day and doing my best to get everything that needs to be done completed, as well as making time for fun adventures for the kids. Today we took the dogs we walk out to the Marin Headlands where they could see the light house and the old military bunkers. They had a good time and I was "multitasking"!!!! Tomorrow night the kids are all going back to their dad's house and I will finish up the week on my own, then Friday I will pick up Jer and we will get back to our life the way we know it.

My New Love

A change in my life has occurred and I am loving it. The man I have been with for almost 8 months has turned out to be more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I love that I am in love again, something I feared I may have become to jaded to do. The relationship took time compared to what I had in the past, baby steps as he would say.

In my last post I talked about us being "just friends" and he is no doubt on of my best friends. In the past relationships have gone from hello to I love you in a matter of weeks. Jeremiah made me work for the I love you and 6 months to the day from when we met he said those three words every girl loves to hear. And for those of you who know that I rush to the aisle, have no fear....although this is definitely a man I could see getting married to and growing old with, there is no rush to the alter anytime soon. My thought is that all the work and the time put into this one may actually build a long and lasting relationship.

Going Back

This semester has really been tough for me. I am so used to having homework to do and became somewhat addicted to learning new things that I have really had a hard time not doing anything. So you can imagine my relief to finally register for the Spring. Granted it is a ways off, it made me feel great to make going back to school official. But I am not going full force like I was before, not yet. I have decided that I am really enjoying being able to go on field trips with the kiddos and work in the classroom and I am not willing to give up my free time to be in my own classroom, sooooo.....I have made the choice to take 2 online classes. Even better I am taking a break from my law and criminal justice classes and getting some general ed out of the way. So next semester I will be taking General Psychology and Political Science. Both seem like they will be very interesting and I am really looking forward to what comes from these classes.

So I am going to take the next couple months to try to relax, enjoy the holidays and a little free time, then it's back at it expanding my knowledge. Wish me luck!!

Mother

Standing there at about 7 years old looking down the narrow hallway at a man with a gun...the target is the women standing behind me so he keeps telling me to get out of the way, but I look at my step father and tell him, " If you going to shoot my mommy you are gonna have to shoot me too." This unfortunate memory pops into my head at least once a week. I am nearing 30 and I can't make it go away. The countless times I walked in to the horrific abuse, seeing my mothers face shoved between the waterbed bag and frame in an attempt to suffocate her, or the bruises, or the times I sat in the room at the women's shelter playing with toys while my mother went through the intake process to get us a safe place to sleep....it won't go away, it haunts me all the time.

Why would a man do this to a women? I was so young and of course they both have their own story, so from my perspective it is a "chicken and egg" situation. Did her affair cause the abuse or did the abuse cause the affair? She can deny the affair, call it just friends, but I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and wondering why mommy was kissing another man. Not that this could ever justify what he did to her, but it was all a part of how I became me.

So I look back at the relationship I have with my mother, the comments she has felt the need to make so public on my blog and wonder....can you fault me for the relationship I have with you? I have grown to be a very strong women, a women she man never actually get the chance to know, which is sad. I know that anger is a waste of energy, that there is a positive in every situation and finding that can guide you through the toughest times.

So I end this with a message to the women who gave birth to me...save you negativity for someone else, the strain in our relationship started too many years ago and if I have to deal day to day with the life you gave me the least you can do is accept the distance and lack of communication between us and move on. The reality is that you can say anything you want to say about me, but those close to me are the ones who know me and your angry words are transparent and effect no one but you.

Rainy Day Schedule

I love the rain....I love the excuse to just wear sweats, sit around cuddled up in a blanket, watch tv....RELAX. Watching cars drive by as the mist blows up behind them, hearing the pouring rain hitting the rooftop.

I love to walk with the kids and jump in puddles, something so simple so many overlook. Why is it that most hate when they come across a puddle....have you ever stopped and just jumped in? It's not an everyday thing, we all have days we are not in "puddle jumping attire", but it's something everyone should do every now and then.

I love the wind blowing the trees and the leaves. The way they all just flutter around can be so memorizing if you just stop and stare.

And most of all I love my little girl and her precious voice as she tells me the things that pop up in her mind as we sit here. She is drawing a picture and telling me stories and we sit here on our rainy day schedule.