The Life of Me

Fall Together?

2010-07-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so we can learn to let go, things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

This is the quote that is getting me through. I seem to find myself stuck on the first and the last things for some reason. "People change so we can learn to let go"....what a hard lesson to learn. No matter how many times people have changed I find the strength to let go to be the hardest lesson to grasp. I hate letting people go, being on bad terms, finality.....yet there are those few in my life I have let go, the ones I have needed to really let go, and there are those who now need to let go of me.

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together." The most powerful thing I have heard in a while, and so very true. In this moment of falling apart it is so hard to remember that better things may eventually fall together. They do fall together, but when is the better good enough to not fall apart? When will I find the "better" that will stay in my life? Ahh the questions I have, but only one knows the answer ;-)

My New Foundation

2010-07-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I take it one day at a time, putting each day together as I go, rebuilding the blocks....yet again! I always seem to make a good start, but haven't found the right combo for my foundation to be solid enough to hold the structure I am hoping to end up with in the long run. So for now I am taking the time, really planning out the foundation, the most solid approach possible. Making an effort to make this the last time I have to start over. Hoping this will be the time I come out with the dream I have been dreaming of for so long.

This has been the time more than anytime before when I have found out who my friends are. For that I am so thankful...they have held me together when I have fallen apart, making me stronger with each day that goes by....Thank You!!!

A Day ( or a week) In Someone Else's Shoes

2010-04-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

We all the know the phrase, "Why don't you try spending a day in my shoes?" But how often do you really have to spend a day in that person's shoes, I mean REALLY spend a day in their shoes? And what if it was a whole week? And even worse what if you couldn't call that person when you had a question and you had to make a judgement call that could impact their life, even in the smallest way? Or if that day not only included doing everything they needed done as well as living in your own shoes? Welcome to my week.....

My boyfriend had to go away for the week and where he is going there is no possible use of a phone so I have no contact this whole week. While he is gone I am housesitting for one of his clients (he runs a dog walking/pet sitting business) where there are 2 dogs, 3 cats and a bird. I also have to walk dogs daily, different ones depending on the day and get the rest of the stuff out of the house he is moving out of by Thursday. All this while I have people calling trying to get the keys he has to the rugby field, former roommates asking for money to pay for the cleaning people and the carpet cleaner. The icing on the cake is that it is spring break for my kids so they are with me part of the week. Needless to say he left yesterday, he is returning Friday, it s only Tuesday and I feel like it has been a month already. Not that maintaining 2 people's lives isn't hard enough, but I miss him so much.

But all in all I am doing it. I am getting through each day and doing my best to get everything that needs to be done completed, as well as making time for fun adventures for the kids. Today we took the dogs we walk out to the Marin Headlands where they could see the light house and the old military bunkers. They had a good time and I was "multitasking"!!!! Tomorrow night the kids are all going back to their dad's house and I will finish up the week on my own, then Friday I will pick up Jer and we will get back to our life the way we know it.

My New Love

2010-04-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

A change in my life has occurred and I am loving it. The man I have been with for almost 8 months has turned out to be more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I love that I am in love again, something I feared I may have become to jaded to do. The relationship took time compared to what I had in the past, baby steps as he would say.

In my last post I talked about us being "just friends" and he is no doubt on of my best friends. In the past relationships have gone from hello to I love you in a matter of weeks. Jeremiah made me work for the I love you and 6 months to the day from when we met he said those three words every girl loves to hear. And for those of you who know that I rush to the aisle, have no fear....although this is definitely a man I could see getting married to and growing old with, there is no rush to the alter anytime soon. My thought is that all the work and the time put into this one may actually build a long and lasting relationship.

Going Back

2009-11-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

This semester has really been tough for me. I am so used to having homework to do and became somewhat addicted to learning new things that I have really had a hard time not doing anything. So you can imagine my relief to finally register for the Spring. Granted it is a ways off, it made me feel great to make going back to school official. But I am not going full force like I was before, not yet. I have decided that I am really enjoying being able to go on field trips with the kiddos and work in the classroom and I am not willing to give up my free time to be in my own classroom, sooooo.....I have made the choice to take 2 online classes. Even better I am taking a break from my law and criminal justice classes and getting some general ed out of the way. So next semester I will be taking General Psychology and Political Science. Both seem like they will be very interesting and I am really looking forward to what comes from these classes.

So I am going to take the next couple months to try to relax, enjoy the holidays and a little free time, then it's back at it expanding my knowledge. Wish me luck!!

Mother

2009-10-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Standing there at about 7 years old looking down the narrow hallway at a man with a gun...the target is the women standing behind me so he keeps telling me to get out of the way, but I look at my step father and tell him, " If you going to shoot my mommy you are gonna have to shoot me too." This unfortunate memory pops into my head at least once a week. I am nearing 30 and I can't make it go away. The countless times I walked in to the horrific abuse, seeing my mothers face shoved between the waterbed bag and frame in an attempt to suffocate her, or the bruises, or the times I sat in the room at the women's shelter playing with toys while my mother went through the intake process to get us a safe place to sleep....it won't go away, it haunts me all the time.

Why would a man do this to a women? I was so young and of course they both have their own story, so from my perspective it is a "chicken and egg" situation. Did her affair cause the abuse or did the abuse cause the affair? She can deny the affair, call it just friends, but I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and wondering why mommy was kissing another man. Not that this could ever justify what he did to her, but it was all a part of how I became me.

So I look back at the relationship I have with my mother, the comments she has felt the need to make so public on my blog and wonder....can you fault me for the relationship I have with you? I have grown to be a very strong women, a women she man never actually get the chance to know, which is sad. I know that anger is a waste of energy, that there is a positive in every situation and finding that can guide you through the toughest times.

So I end this with a message to the women who gave birth to me...save you negativity for someone else, the strain in our relationship started too many years ago and if I have to deal day to day with the life you gave me the least you can do is accept the distance and lack of communication between us and move on. The reality is that you can say anything you want to say about me, but those close to me are the ones who know me and your angry words are transparent and effect no one but you.

Rainy Day Schedule

2009-10-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

I love the rain....I love the excuse to just wear sweats, sit around cuddled up in a blanket, watch tv....RELAX. Watching cars drive by as the mist blows up behind them, hearing the pouring rain hitting the rooftop.

I love to walk with the kids and jump in puddles, something so simple so many overlook. Why is it that most hate when they come across a puddle....have you ever stopped and just jumped in? It's not an everyday thing, we all have days we are not in "puddle jumping attire", but it's something everyone should do every now and then.

I love the wind blowing the trees and the leaves. The way they all just flutter around can be so memorizing if you just stop and stare.

And most of all I love my little girl and her precious voice as she tells me the things that pop up in her mind as we sit here. She is drawing a picture and telling me stories and we sit here on our rainy day schedule.

Smiling

2009-10-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

What is in a relationship....when I was in elementary school a boy would come and say, "Will you be my girlfriend?" It was so simple. Now we are adults and I guess a label really doesn't matter, but I am a "need to know" girl. I have to know where things stand all along the way...to an extent. I say this all in fun, because I am learning each day that I don't need the label (not right now, I can wait), I need the actions, after all don't actions speak louder than words?

So I know I have not talked about any relationships since my divorce, but we have been apart for just over 6 months, and let's face it I am gonna have other relationships....so I am going to slowly come out of my shell and talk about my life....SLOWLY!

I have this man, this amazing man, he makes me smile, makes me feel wanted, loves spending time with me.....makes me happy. I deserve that, to be happy again. But we are, in words, "just friends". I mean it has been two months, and we are comfortable (he farts around me now! haha) but not quite to the full commitment. The last couple weeks has been tough, but he has been my rock and as I sit here in his jacket I just smile...you can't see me but I am smiling.

Here At Good

2009-10-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I made it here, through ups and downs, I did it. I did this, what I am going through, it was all my choice. So I took it on and made it here. Now I struggle with a new hurdle, one that is very much out of my control and scarier than anything else I could ever come across. I am strong and I will get through this one too.

I have some great things going for me, things to make me smile everyday. Things that are so big it would take a natural disaster to bring me down. I am learning very quickly that life is too short for harsh words, and fighting, and tears.

So since I have been gone for a while I will say, my divorced is final, I am a Colera again, my ex is amazing, he is the best daddy and a strong man....through all his hurt he is there, when I really need him he is there, I couldn't really ask for more. My kids are doing very well, each enjoying school and making us proud everyday. DJ is in band, Dakota is a step closer to being independant, Aiden is advanced is some aspects of kindergarten, and Kylie took to preschool like a champ.

My New World (Dedicated to Sarah and Carrie)

2009-08-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I walked into this new life not knowing which way the wind would blow. I have been happy, sad, surpirsed, and sared out of my mind. I have spent days thinking that if I would have just stayed with him I would have been ok....really would I be ok?? Is listening to a man yell at me and put me down ok? Is it worth hearing that just to have some financial stability?? Here is what I have found.....

I have friends who will listen to me cry, cheer me on in those moments when I muster the strength to push through those tough times and celebrate those wonderful moments that come more often then I was expecting.

I have children who love me even on the days that I feel like the world is falling apart. When I can't take anymore and just lay down and cry they hold me the way I have held them so many times. They share their lives and their toys and their happiness with me, they run laps around the track with me when I feel like I need to get in shape, and no matter what the days bring they walk beside me and give me strength.

I have men, amazing men...that are my friends first and yes some are more here and there, but always there for whatever I need.

I have a job that I have worked hard at and I love. A boss that knows that life brings some crazy ups and downs, and does all he can to be flexible and allow me to grow, never faulting me for being human.

And best of all I have me! I have times when I can just come home curl up in bed with my blankie and a movie and just relax. Or times when I can drive out to the coast and take a walk and continue the never ending journey of finding myself.

So I walked away from so much when I left my marriage, but I walked into a world that is MINE... a world I can mold into anything I want. I am a determined women and no one can take my dreams from me...so look out world, here I come.

End of the School Year

2009-06-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

The school year has ended leaving me with a preschooler, kindergartner, 3rd grader and a 5th grader. Yes all 4 will be in school, what a big year we have ahead. Here are a few pics from the last day of school for the boys.

Aiden graduates preschool.

Dakota finished 2nd grade and had a wonderful year.

And DJ finished 4th grade is is going into his last year before junior high.

What I have learned this school year from my children is this... 1) Doesn't matter how many kids you have you still tear up when they graduate preschool. 2) An autistic child can be absolutely amazing and grow into his own with each year without all the crap and therapy everyone thinks you should put them through. 3) A little boy will always be his mommy's boy even when as he grows up and goes into the last year of elementary school. 4) A little girl may be your baby but you can't stop her from getting older, she just has to be a bigger baby girl. 5) No matter how tough it is to be a mommy, it is by far the most rewarding job ever! I am so proud of each of my children and who they are growing up to be each day.

Let summer begin!

Doing Well

2009-05-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that the semester is almost at an end, and I will have finished another semester as a college student. This was a tough one and my 4.0 GPA is gone with the wind, but the important thing is that I made it through despite all the tough things that happened in my life. So next week I have my finals and then I have decided to take the summer off and just regroup. Then when fall comes I will be back at it again.

The kids are good and adjusting really well to all the changes that have occurred. We are looking forward to all of our usual summer outings and just having time together. Then with the end of summer comes some big step for all the kids too. DJ will enter his last year in elementary school being a 5th grader. Dakota will continue on his journey as a 3rd grader. Aiden makes the giant leap into kindergarten, he gets to go to school with his brothers. And little Miss Kylie will start preschool. They are all doing so well and really looking forward to what is to come, and Dave and I are so incredibly proud of them.

My new home is turning out to be a great choice. Aside from being a bit of a drive from everywhere I need to be, I am making it all work out. My roommate is awesome, and really working with me on having the kids over. The kids love having him as a new friend in their life and it has really helped make the transition smoother.

Aiden has almost completed his first year of baseball. He was lucky enough to have his Daddy and the head coach and his Mommy as team mom. Yet another thing that has really helped with the changes in our lives, it has allowed Aiden to see that no matter what Dave and I will always be there and that we can work together as a team. He has 3 more games before it is over and we may move on to soccer next.

So there you have it, a bit of an update on our lives. We are still facing some challenges, but we are doing our best to keep those between the adults and sheltering the kids from the stressful situations.

Finding Peace

2009-04-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Well here I sit...yes sit. Those who know me know that I don't get to just sit very often. I have been so busy lately that I needed a moment to just sit. I am doing really well, settling into my new life and really finding peace and comfort with it all. School in hectic, but it is starting to wind down to the end of the semester. Sadly my 4.0 GPA went away this year, but through all the chaos I am still passing all my classes.

So I have taken the time to strip down everything in my life, all in an attempt to simplify things, and I am slowly rebuilding it all again. There is this sense of peace that I feel with each day that goes by. Not to say that I don't struggle or have moments where I just want to cry, but it all seems to be coming together better and faster than I had planned.

So to all those who have been here, through each moment that has passed, thank you for your unconditional love and support. To those who had their doubts, you probably always will, good for you, maybe someday you too will find peace in your life and not think so negative of everyone else.

Divorce!

2009-03-31T09:02:00.001-07:00

So at this point the news is out. Dave and I are getting divorced. Not just filing and ending the marriage part actually moving this week. We both have a place and are starting to separate the things we have accumulated over the last 6 years. I know this was my choice and I am really doing okay, but there are those moments it is so weird to me.

Yesterday he called and asked me to open the garage, he wanted to take some stuff over to his new house. We have not really discussed who gets what, neither of us has felt any time has been right to have that talk. So I open the door and go inside. A few minutes later I thought maybe I would go out and say hello. Here I thought he was just taking some of the obvious things that were "his". I find him and three friends out there and half the garage loaded up in three truck loads. UGH!

But this is not a bitter divorce. Yes we have our "I hate you" moments, but overall we are actually getting along better the more we start to separate our lives. I guess it is something we should have considered more a while ago. I love him, something that may never change and he will always be one of my best friends. Yes we were probably one of the most perfect couples years ago, but we have changed. I never had the chance to grow up and find me. I was always someone's wife or mommy. Recently I have had the time to start to find a person deeper than that and sadly who I am is not as compatable with the man he has become. But that doesn't mean either is a bad person.

So we will continue on to see where this road takes us, making our own rules as we go. You all know it has never been like us to follow a path already laid out in front of us. Dave and I tend to see the path and think we can make a better one of our own. So why in the world should that change now?

Enjoy the Ride

2009-03-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

There was this time in my life where I was in a "relationship" with someone, we knew it couldn't ever actually go anywhere, but we also knew there was no time limit on how long we could just have our little thing. When it all fell apart it did because he said he would never allow himself to fall in love with me, no matter how much he had feelings for me, because it was pointless knowing we would never stay together.

So today I was talking with a friend and this type of situation was the topic of our discussion. Is it possible or even worth falling in love with someone you can never have in the end?

I say yes. Have you ever gone to a theme park and seen that big huge roller coaster? You see the line is really long and it will take forever to get on, yet you really want to. You know the ride won't last long and when you are off you won't have the time or chance to do it again, which sucks because you will probably want to do it again, but you can only go once. So you make the choice to stand in line for two hours, you get on the ride that lasts 90 seconds, it is the most amazing ride, you adrenaline is pumping like never before, and then the ride ends. You get off and it's time to head home. Yep it's all over and you will never get that chance again. In that moment you realize that even though you can't have that experience again with that roller coaster there is a part of you that is a better person for making that commitment and going for the ride.

So why does love have to be different? You take that chance, spend that time, and fall in love. Even in those moments you know it will never be a permanent thing every experience is one we learn from and one we grow from. Who would you be if you never took those chances?

The Path

2009-03-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life you have to find that path that takes you where you wanna go. Sounds easy right? Not so much. The path never seems to be the easy one to find. So along the way you try the paths you come across. Some right there in the open, some just around a bend and others require you to leap from rock to rock to get to the other side of a creek just to start your journey down a path. But the path you are searching for, that path is much harder to find. Sometimes you need the experiences of those other ways to get you to this path.

I am on this journey. I have gone down so many different paths in my life already, yet still searching for the one. There must be one that will lead me to happiness...you know that happiness that so many talk about? I often wonder how it can be that some people find their way so early in life. Is it the real "way" or just a few good days down that wrong road? Or is it that really their life is not that grand, they just have an amazing way of hiding the truth that is going on in their life?

Don't get me wrong I do not think that life is all negative, and those who know me know that although a may hit a bump in the road I can usually sort through and find the positive in any situation. I just have to wonder why after all that I have conquered in my life, when will it be my time to just be happy?

I Am 29!

2009-02-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

29...what is the significance of being 29? So many people revert back to that age when asked how old they are. I mean what 50 year old says they are 33 when asked their age? So what is it about 29?

Is it the the 20's are the link between childhood and adulthood. 29 being the last year would be important in your life.

Or is it that the 20's are quit possibly the biggest character defining decade of you whole life? Most people go into their 20's ready to party, become legal, and...well follow what comes. By the end of your 20's most seem to be on a path in the direction that they will follow for most of their life.

Whatever the significance is I hope that 29 is a year to remember, full of the best memories of my life. I mean if I am going to use that age for the rest of my life, I want it to be the best year ever!

My Semester

2009-01-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

Now that I am in the third week of school I am hoping to have more time to blog. I think I have a flow and I guess only time will tell. So here is the scoop on my classes so far.

I am taking Speech this semester, probably one of the least desired classes ever, but it is required for my degree. The teacher is awesome. She is probably in her mid thirties and a total smart ass so we laugh a lot in class. I have to give my first 2 minute speech already, about something that represents me. Well what would i speak about??? My children of course. I talked about each one and traits about them that are so much like their mommy. I think I did well, but I am waiting for my grade.

Then there is Advanced Criminal Law. The teacher is amazing. I have had him before and I love him. The class is all about learning the Penal Code, but we laugh, make smart ass comments, and jokes throughout the whole class. I am excited to say there is no homework in this class because he feels the content is so tough we need time to study. I have one assignment that requires I go to court and write a paper, but that typically comes easy to me.

World Humanities is next...this is a tough class. The teacher is a total hippie and though she is very blunt, but she can be funny. Just don't be late to her class or she will make it known what time you should have arrived. This class seems to focus a lot on Africa, but the hard part for me is that I have not taken history and a lot of discussion focus on history. She was very understanding to my learning disability so I think I will do well.

My Literacy class is lame, taught by a librarian about how to use the library. Need i say more???

The last two classes are weight training and cardio kickboxing so I can get my butt in shape this year. Seems to be working well so far.

So there you have it my whole semester. The rest of my life seems to be going well, the kids are all good, my husband seems to have a lot of bids out for jobs and for the most part work it really fun. Best of all my birthday is on Sunday...and those who know me know how much I love my birthday.

Diving Right In

2009-01-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

Well it's official I have survived my first week of school. As you can see my blog has been the thing in my life to suffer. Although the week has been packed full of going to class, doing homework and spending time with my family, I have had no time to update the rest of you on my life. Just in one week of class I can barely walk from P.E., I have to write a speech, color and fill in a map of Africa, take a tour on the library and do 2 pages of assignments and write a biography. Oh but wait that doesn't even touch on what I have to read. So yes I have been busy.

Yesterday I went to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco with the husband to visit the Afghanistan Exhibit. This was yet another assignment for a class, World Humanities. We took a tour through the packed full of people exhibit and experienced some of the culture. Not pictures were allowed in the exhibit so the only picture I have is the one below take on the second story. I then came home and had to write a one page paper about my experience. So I went, I saw and I wrote. And I will try my best to update you a little more often.

Standing At The Starting Line

2009-01-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling where you are standing at the start line waiting for the shot to be fired so you can sprint your way to the finish line. The anticipation that builds and builds. Then just before the race starts, that point where you are not just standing there but you are actually in position ready to go. Your heart is pounding and it is almost hard to breathe. You know you will do well, confidence is not the problem, you just wanna do it. It's not the finish you long for, it's the race itself. The competitive side that longs for the run, seeing the person next to you coming close, then just before you cross the finish you pull ahead.

That is where I am right now. Last spring I took 3 units, then 6 in the fall. Now I am taking 12 units at the JC. I am so ready to take on the semester and up until today I have just been standing around at the start line waiting for them to say it's time for my race. But tonight is my first class, I am in position and ready to face the challenge head on. I just can't wait to actually be in school. Only a few more hours and I will be complaining about the hardest semester yet.

5 Years and Counting

2009-01-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

Well we did it, today marks 5 years since the day we said our vows. The day my little boy, now almost 10 years old, walked me down the aisle and said to the preacher when asked who gives this women away, "Me and Dakota do!" 5 years since the day my best friend sang the most beautiful song as we lit candles. 5 years since we kissed our way into the commitment that makes us husband and wife. And 5 years since we surprised most of our guest with the crazy lake song we left the alter to as Mr. and Mrs. Dave Sklavos. Our greek last name means slave, yes I am a lucky, lucky girl.

In the last 5 years we have had 2 beautiful babies together, moved 4 times, started a business that has allowed to to be a stay home mommy, made some of the most amazing memories of my life and survived one of the hardest years. I look at the man I married and I smile today. He is funny, handsome, there when I need a shoulder, but boy can he take my crap and give it right back. Sometimes that makes the perfect balance and sometimes makes us wonder how we got to where we are. Regardless of anything I can't wait to share the next hundred years with the man I said I do to 5 years ago!!

Thank you to Becky from Becka Lynn Photography for these amazing anniversary pictures.

Zoo Day

2009-01-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. We had a chance to go to the zoo with one of my best friends that I never get to see anymore. Between her job and my life our schedules never seen to match up. So today it finally worked. I packed the little ones while the big boys were in school and she brought her munchkin and we went to visit some animals. So here are a few pics of the animals and of course a group shot.

The Hole

2009-01-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

I finally figured it out. You know when you go to the beach and dig a hole then run to the water with your bucket. You fill you bucket and come back to the hole, dump your water in and run back for more...just to fill that hole. Sadly when you back with the second bucket of water you find that all of the first bucket has absorbed into the ground and you are back at square one again. So you dump that second bucket in and run even faster for the third, sure that this time working harder will pay off. You come back and there is about 1/4 of that second bucket left in the hole. You dump the third bucket in, run even faster for the fourth, cause now you have it figured out. But on the way to the water to get the fourth bucket you trip and your face lands in the sand. By the time you get back the hole is empty yet again, ultimately never catching up or filling that hole to the top.

Welcome to my life! Every time I think I have a solution that is going to get me all caught up...I trip and fall on my face only to come back to an empty hole. Maybe if I just moved the hole closer to the water...I might actually get somewhere.

Secret Santa...A Little Late

2009-01-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

In 2008 I participated in a Christmas Ornament Secret Santa things through my online mom group. I was so excited to so this and ran right out to buy the gift for my person. As the deadline got closer mine ornament had not come. Then Christmas came and went and still nothing. There was proof of delivery on the UPS site, but nothing ever showed up at my door. I was bummed and figured that maybe I would have better luck next year. So the weekend after Christmas the tree came down an all Christmas stuff found it's way back up to the rafters...

Till today...I showed up from some errands to a box at my front door. I kinda chuckled because I never order anything, so I knew what it was. I opened the box and it was an adorable snowman ornament. I LOVE snowmen!! I have to say that the best part was when my sweet daughter , who was watching me open it said, "Ohh a snowman, we should put it on the tree!" as if we were gonna put the tree back up for this one ornament. I told her it will go on the tree next Christmas.

So here it is the long awaited ornament.

What A Relief

2009-01-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

So today was the day that winter break ended, well for the kids at least. Honestly it is such a relief. It will definitely be better next week when I am back in school and things are back to "my" normal, but this will work for a week. So today I did important things like grocery shopping, going to the gym and of course updating this blog, then I am off to work. Oh and I must say I did remember to feed the kids today too!! I will spend this week with the kids and getting everything ready for a very full semester and of course getting some rest before the craziness begins.

So to all you parents that sent your monsters back to school today, you too should take a moment to relax, God knows we need it after winter break!!

Slipping

2009-01-04T11:39:00.001-08:00

Typically my days are spent running. Always having something that needs to be done that is rare I sit in front on the computer on Myspace or Facebook and just goof off. Well today we went to the donut shop at about 9am and then we came home and I sat at the computer. Aiden and Kylie played so nice together that I payed no attention to anything outside the computer screen. So when I was finished I got up and saw the time, 11:30am. Our daily routine is that they have lunch and watch a last movie at about that time. The movie helps them wind down before taking a nap. Well today I suck as a mom, I noticed the time and said, "Okay time for last movie," only to have my 4 year old look up and me and say' "Oh yeah, what about lunch?" I chuckled and the attitude I was getting and responded with, "Crap I have to feed you too?" Honestly, I have been a mom for almost 10 years, you would think I could figure out what needs to be done on a daily basis. It is today that I realize I suck!! And what is my husbands response to my forgetfulness??? He say "Wow Tammy, your slipping!" Thanks dear!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Well the first day of 2009 has turned out to be a nice day. Nothing exciting, I actually took a nap today, but just nice. A feeling of contentment and happiness along with being tired is basically how I would sum up my day.

My goal was to go to the gym. I have been going consistently for the last week and wanted to keep that up into the new year. I though for sure it would be packed with a bunch of people that had some weight to lose starting on their New Years resolutions. Nope, those people had their one last party night last night and were still in bed this morning. So who was at the gym you ask? All the die hard body builders, or so it seemed. The people that made me look over weight. In a way it was depressing and in a way it motivated me to work harder to have half the build they did. None the less I made my goal and went, so for that I am proud of myself.

Then this evening my husband took me on a date. Yep a real date! We have not done that in a while, and even the last one ended in an argument. So tonight we went to dinner. It was a nice place, but I think the real cooks stayed home because the food was no where near the norm. It gave us something to laugh about and made the evening fun. Then we ended up doing hat Dave and I do best, we went to Scandia to play air hockey. We're loser I know, but even when we go to Vegas we seem to spend a good portion of our time arcade hopping to play air hockey. And tonight we didn't stop there we had our laughs playing skeeball, basketball and even a video game. It was a really nice night, just what I needed to start off the year.

So as it stands this year, in one day has possibly topped my whole year last year. Maybe not, but I am so thankful for this day, now I am off to bed. Good night all and Happy New Year!!

Goobye 2008

2008-12-31T21:54:00.000-08:00

So my last post of the year, sadly I don't even have anything exciting to share. As tough as this year has been I know it has made me a stronger person, for that I am thankful. I am excited for all the things that 2009 have in store and for the surprises too. I think I really accomplished a lot in 2008. Mostly in the way of finding myself. This was the first year since I have become and mom and an adult, since I had my first child right after turning 19, that I have had time to focus on what I want to do and who I am. Going to school has showed me that I can succeed and helped me find a direction outside of being a mommy and a wife. As hard as it was not to get those jobs, I know that everything happens for a reason. I can't wait to share all the ups and downs that the next year of school has in store as well as the continued journey of trying to enter into my career.

I have to take a moment to thank my mother in law for all that she has done. She devoted her life this last year, more so than any other year, to allow me to do all that I have done in 2008. She based every moment around what I needed to do and put me and my family before herself. Suzanne you are the best, I love being the daughter you never had, and your support means more than I seem to have time to express on a daily basis. And my husband, I know we have had some really tough times, but we survived and I am going into 2009 looking at the glass half full, I love you!!

As for my children, I am a proud mommy, thankful for every moment I have had with my 4 babies. As I watch them grow from babies to little people I can't believe that every day I am succeeding as a parent, not alone but in my part of the job.

So to everyone reading this have a safe and happy new year. Thanks for sharing in my life drama and I will post again next year!!

Looking forward to 2009

2008-12-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

So 2009 is only days away. I am so ready for this year to be over. So as I sit I was thinking about what 2009 has in store for me. Not a whole lot yet but here is my small list of what I have to look forward to.

-Dave and I celebrate our 5 year anniversary
-My birthday is on Superbowl Sunday
-I will be 29, this will be the last year of my 20's
-I WILL go skydiving sometime in 2009 (hopefully if the weather is right for my birthday)
-My first born hits the double digits
-I become a full time student taking 12 units at the JC (this up from the 3-6 I took this year)
-My youngest boy goes to kindergarten
-My baby goes to preschool, leaving me with all 4 kids in school

That is all I can think of right now, but yay I have some exciting things ahead. My goal is to get down south to visit my family. I planned to be there for New Years but that didn't pan out at all. So I went this whole year without a visit, except to Magic Mountain with my brother.

Updates for the Year

2008-12-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

So this year has been tough in so many ways. The good thing is that so far we have survived and are ready to welcome a new year. I thought I would give a few updates to close out the year. If I miss anything let me know.

As for the job hunt it is officially over. I was disqualified by both departments. The first was Marin County Sheriff and after getting all the way to the prebackround interview, they said I have to work on my credit and they want me to reapply in 6 months. The other I will not say the name, but I did not make it past the oral board interview. Honestly it was such a relief. I thought I wanted to work for this department till I went on the sit in two nights before the interview. It was a horrible experience. The thing is that I was told it is not good to remove yourself from the process so I needed to be let go by the department. Once that letter came it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

So with that I have decided to keep waitressing and focus on school for another year. I took 6 units last semester and as you can see, I got an "A" in both classes. So next semester I am taking 12 units and 10 of the will go towards my degree. By the end of the semester I will be half way to graduating with my AA in Administration of Justice.

The kids had a great first half of the year in school and are ready to take on the second half now. i can't believer that 2009 means that Aiden will start kindergarten in the fall, DJ hits the double digits in March, Dakota is getting a little closer to not needing an aide, and Kylie will start preschool. So by mid 2009 I will have all 4 kids in schools. Sometimes it feels strange not to have a baby in my arms, but it feels great to be pursuing the next step in my life.

Our Holiday

2008-12-26T12:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my absence, as you can imagine it has been a very busy month. So with the year coming to an end I thought I would sum up the year with a couple pics.

As an early Christmas gift Kylie adopted her own dolly. She named it Sarah.

We celebrated our two December birthdays, Dave's mom and his grandma.

Then Dave and I took Aiden and Kylie bowling. They were so funny and we had a great time.

Then we spent Christmas Eve with the family.

Christmas morning we had the boys, then they left after presents to spend time with their dad.

Then Dave and I spent Christmas night in San Francisco with Aiden and Kylie.

So there you have it, our holiday in photos. Only a few days left in 2008, I can only imagine what it has in store for us.

Christmas Program

2008-12-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

The other night Aiden had a Christmas program at his school. I took some video with my camera, but the sound didn't work. So here a a few still shots for you all.

He wasn't so sure at first, but Daddy had a talk with him.

Then he was typical Aiden.

And here is a little singing.

Aiden and his favorite teacher.

And yes I am a little goofy too.

After the program we shared some cookies and headed home. It was a cute little show.

You Forgot Something

2008-12-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

So we are sitting down for lunch and Kylie asked her daddy to draw a picture of a dog for her. So Dave draws the head of a dog that honestly looked more like a rabbit. Not that I am really going to criticize, my looked like...well I really don't even know, but it wasn't a dog. He then passes the paper to Kylie and she says, "No daddy the whole body!" So my dear husband rolls his eyes and goes on to draw the rest of the body. He passes it to sweet Kylie yet again and she says' "You forgot something." Dave and I look at eachother across the table a bit concerned about what is going to come next. She takes her crayon and draws a little mark on the dog. We are trying soooo hard not to laugh hysterically while asking what that is that she drew. She replies, "It's where the doggie goes pee pee." So here you go look close to see the penis my daughter added to the drawing. Oh and I should add she also drew the "poop" coming from the butt too. Isn't she adorable?

Another Step Complete

2008-12-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

So the call came early this morning. I passed the oral board and I am moving forward to my backround check. When I called the lady back to schedule my prebackround interview I was shocked to find out that they want me to come on Wednesday. Actually they wanted me to come tomorrow but I have to work. So another step out of the way and backround is kind of the peak of the journey. It is all downhill from there. So once again cross you fingers for me and for all of you that may be contacted, BE NICE!! (haha)

Friend

2008-11-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have this friend that every time I wanna run away brings me back to reality, helps me stay grounded and never fails to make me smile. A friend that has so much patience for my ups and downs even though I am reminded that I am a difficult person on a somewhat regular basis. Sometimes I wonder when my friend will realize that it is not necessary to put up with my crap and run, but for some reason this friend is there to answer the phone almost every time I call.

My stepmom told me growing up that you are better off in life with one true friend that a hundred acquaintances. Granted I have more than one really good friend, this one has made me see what she meant. She was right, having that person there makes so many of the things that come up in a day ok. So I guess I can open my mind to the idea that maybe, just maybe she was right about other things too. (Don't tell her I said that though!!)

Life's Little Suprises, And The Big Ones Too

2008-11-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

Life is full of so many surprises...ones that make you laugh, ones that make you cry and some just leave you standing there completely dumbfounded. Last night brought a surprise that left me feeling all of the above. I laugh because with the ways things are going why not have one more crappy thing happen, cry because I am not totally sure how to fix it and dumbfounded because, well I was shocked. So where do you go when you are completely losing everything?? And what do you do when the reason that something so crappy happened is based on a situation that never should have been that way in the first place? When do people realize that you have to do for you children first and realize that you will get to them when you can? And honestly who does this shit to family? We are trying so hard to salvage something, just grasp one little thing, as it all falls apart... and yet we still can't catch a break. So I sit here, surprisingly with a smile, knowing that we will soar over this hurdle too. Plus where would crying get me anyway, no time for makeup running down my face today. Bring it on world, I am ready to take the next surprise head on!!

The First Interview

2008-11-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

Ok so for those wondering how the interview went on Wednesday...I was going to wait to post about it cause I honestly don't know and have no idea when they will let me know. Here is what I do know: it only took 15 minutes, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I think I did well with my answers based on all the advice I got, but who really knows what they are looking for. So if for some reason I bombed this interview, and I would hope not, the bright side is that it was a good practice for the one I have a week from Monday.

Turkey Day!!

2008-11-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

How do you spend your Turkey Day? Most do it with family...Dave and I are not most. We decided that taking the little ones camping was more our style. So we drove to Willits and are "roughing it" at the KOA. We have a cute little cabin, right next to the bathrooms, a TV and VCR so the kids don't miss their bedtime movie, and as of right now we have turkey drumsticks on the BBQ. Yep a Dave and Tammy Thanksgiving for sure. So to all you traditional people Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!!

Resources

2008-11-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

I find the more this career searching process moves forward the more exciting it gets. At this point I have participated in quite a few ride-alongs and now I have spent a good amount of time at the police academy volunteering my time. So as the nerves build up I ease my mind with all the new resources I have encountered. It honestly feels great!!

Today I went to class to take my test and then I went to the academy. When I arrived I checked in with the police chief that runs this part of the scenarios and shared my exciting news. He congratulated me and told me to sit down. We talked and he coached me for a half hour on the oral board. Then he decided it would be best for me to dispatch calls for the scenarios so that when I go to my interview next week I can honestly say I have experienced dispatch. I picked it up so fast and was highly praised at the end for my ability to run the calls with only a few minutes of training. So tomorrow I will be back out and getting a little more dispatch experience before I head off to work for the night.

I have been through so much in my life already. As much as I have thoroughly enjoyed every experience and aspect of the road behind me, there really is something so amazing in this experience. I think the past was based on my actions as a partner and now I am doing something that only involves me. I am becoming a successful women, a little more each day, and I am so proud of who I have become.

No Time to Freak Out

2008-11-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

So as I mentioned before I passed the test for the first department and I have scheduled my interview for December 8th. Well last night, after a very long and trying day I checked my email to find that I passed the test for the other department too. I was so excited and called to day to schedule the appointment for the interview. Imagine my surprise when the said I am scheduled for next Wednesday. I actually said to the lady om the phone, "That doesn't even give me time to be nervous!" She totally laughed. So things are going in the right direction and it is happening so fast now. Part of me wants to laugh and the other part of me just wants to cry.

So there you have it, I need to go shopping for something to wear. Wish me luck!!!

No Time to Slow Down

2008-11-17T19:07:00.000-08:00

I seem to be in this place where happiness collides with insanity. I feel really happy with things yet I feel like I am on this crazy spiral that I can't seem to slow down. I guess as long as I can keep a sincere smile on my face I will do just fine.

I know I say this all the time, but honestly my kids and my friends really are my sanity now a days. They are the things that make my everyday ok, better than ok, they make it great. There is this part of me that loves the unsure feeling of where the next day will take me and another part of me that just wants to know how it will all turn out in the end.

So I spent yet another day out at the academy, today I was playing the the domestic violence scenario. It was seriously so much fun since a friend was playing my "boyfriend". It makes the bickering so much fun when it is someone you know. I am done out there for a few days and will go back for a half day on Friday. I think Friday they are going to let me practice dispatch, woohoo, practice for my future!!

The Latest

2008-11-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been a while since I have even logged in...sorry!! I spent the majority of last week doing role playing at the police academy. It was so fun, but acting like a suicidal crazy women really does take an emotional toll after the 26th time. Fortunately they broke it up with a few building searches for me. So I finish my 4 day commitment, but apparently they love me out there and I have been asked to come back tomorrow. This week is the DUI and domestic violence, ha ha sounds fun!!!

So for the good news, I got the letter from the police department to make the test score official. Even better it included my invitation to the oral board interviews the beginning of December. Wow, I know I can't believe it is coming up so fast. I am so excited and scared all at the same time. Other then that I am waiting to hear back from the other department.

So there you have it my life wrapped up in two paragraphs! Hope you are all doing well and I will post again soon.

I Did It!!

2008-11-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

I made myself proud yet again. I passed the dispatcher test for the police department. I actually scored in the 80th percentile for the whole state, yeah the whole entire state, it honestly feels really good. So the next step is the oral board interview which will be scheduled when the department is done making some supervisor changes, hopefully not too long.

Other than that I know I have been MIA for a little while. Things have gotten so busy and really stressful. I am trying to manage my emotions in one of the hardest times of my life. I am truly so thankful for my friends, without them I have no idea where I would be. The keep me sane and grounded and help me to remember that I am a really good person, sometimes you just need to know that you are a good person.

Rock the Vote!

2008-11-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

Did you vote? I would hope so, cause I hate those who don't vote and then think their voice should be heard when they are bitching about the outcome.

I voted today, and although I voted in a way that got a few people fired up, I stand proud of my vote, my bleiefs and my right to have a say in matters (even if you think I shouldn't). Oh isn't it great to be an American. So I will be one of the many Americans plastered in from of the TV tonight to see where our country goes from here.

So I leave you all with this image and wish you all a happy election day!!

Happy November!

2008-11-02T08:38:00.001-08:00

Can you believe that it is November? 2008 is almost over!! To be honest with the bumps in the road of this whole year I am ready to take on anything 2009 has to offer. Although part of me fears anything that could be worse than this year, the other side of me thinks it has to be better.

So now with Thanksgiving on it's way it is time to start to think of all the things you are thankful for.What are you thankful for???

Don't Be My Friend

2008-10-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

When I talk to you and confide in you I do so because you are my friend. If I say something that bothers you, then tell me...don't continue to conversate with me as though you are interested, then later come back and say it bothers you. I am many things, but no where on that list have I ever claimed to be a mind reader.

I have made many stupid choices in my life (no doubt there are more to come), all of those choices have brought me to where I am today. Each day I grow and learn something new, and for that I am proud of who I have become. I am thankful for those who have traveled this bumpy road with me. But if the bumps don't fair well with you get off the ride and enjoy your life. If you haven't noticed I am a busy girl and have no time for your crap.

To the rest of you the ride has been a blast and I look forward to traveling the long road with you!! Thanks for your love, support, understanding and most of all your honesty. In return you can all count on my love, support, understanding and honesty too!!

Happiness

2008-10-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

What is happiness???

Happiness is 4 kids that love me unconditionally. They make me smile, sometimes laugh, and other times make me want to rip my hair out! They all have that special something that makes them an individual, yet share the best qualities that would make any mommy proud.

Happiness is a husband that has shared with me in some amazing times and some of the hardest times in my whole life. We have laughed, cried, yelled and just sat in silence, but in this moment have found the ability to see why we were brought together as husband and wife.

Happiness is friends who know who you are and love you for that. Those who see you for the good, know you when you are bad, but never walk away. Eleven years ago I saw this girl that I swear was the biggest bitch, I prayed to God she was not going to be my assigned roommate...she was! Now eleven years later I thank her for all the times she was there when I needed a friend, there the laugh and cry over the many husbands (you know you are giggling Sarah), vent and brag about all our children and and who can forget the many moves (but I always found you thanks to "mom"). A little over eight years ago I was in line at the grocery store and I met another friend...and how many hours did we sit on our butts, big and pregnant, eating tuna twist pasta? You were there for me through some hard times, maybe the only person who witnessed "hell" with me. Yet here we are, not the same as we were, but here and growing. Though our friendship has had the ups and downs of the biggest roller coaster in the world, I still love, and I am so thankful you were the one to stand the day I got married (for the 2nd time) as my maid of honor and my best friend.

Happiness is a family, that may not be my own by blood, but has loved me like I am one of them. They have supported me through all the choices I have made, most of all they have made it possible for me to go back to school and pursue a dream.

Happiness is feeling successful. I have been back to school for a over a year and I have surprised myself every step of the way. At this point I have maintained a 4.0 GPA, and I just got an A+ on my midterm. Then the biggest news of all...I took the law enforcement test, a 42 is necessary to puruse the career, I score a 50.2! As much as I struggled in high school, I make myself proud everyday, just to know that I can means so much.

Last, but certainly not least, happiness is life. Some days, weeks, even months are so hard, but when it all comes together it can be so amazing. I am so thankful for all the good things in my life, and thankful that God have always helped me over those speed bumps along the way.

Pre Halloween

2008-10-27T18:46:00.001-07:00

We spent our weekend doing pre Halloween stuff so rather than type much I though I would share some pics.

Here are some pictures of our house.

We went trick or treating at the college this weekend too. Here are some pictures of the kids. These are not their real costumes, but they are still cute.

Family Time

2008-10-24T22:19:00.001-07:00

This weekend I have the big boys. Their dad needed a weekend to get some stuff done so they are staying home. We have a lot planned so we will stay busy for sure. Yesterday we did our family trip to the pumpkin patch. We started the adventure in the corn maze. this was the first time for the kids. No we are not talking some kiddie maze, this was the real thing. It was long, but we had a system and the kids had a blast. Each time we came to an intersection they took turns deciding where to go. I think the funniest thing was that Kylie kept picking the dead ends and every time there was a scary creature in the dead end, she would scream and come running back our way. That is how we knew it was the wrong way. But no worries she is not traumatized at all. To redeem herself she was the one that led the way out the exit. So then we all went out picked a pumpkin and headed home. Tomorrow we will decorate them.

Tonight Dave and I had sort of a date night. We were though joined by an old friend that honestly is welcome to come on any date night. He was so much fun! Not to mention he came in handy when we ended up at the haunted house. A girl can never have to many men to hide behind when creatures are jumping out and chasing you. We dropped off the friend and headed out to the big corn maze. Thinking we would have to be rescued from the largest maze in Sonoma County, we actually surprised ourselves by making it through in under 15 minutes.

So there you have it, our Halloween Festivities have only just begun.

Stage 1 Complete

2008-10-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

Persistence paid off yet again. After resubmitting my application to the department, I already received and email stating they accepted my application an would like me to come down and take their test. So I called and scheduled my test for November 12th. I am so excited that this first stage of the application process is over and I made it to the next step.

So now all I wanted for Christmas this year is to be hired on as a dispatcher at a department. Cross you fingers and wish me luck!!

Almost Disqualified

2008-10-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

Last week I applied for a dispatch position at a very highly respected agency. So you can imagine my excitement to already have an email from them. Then I opened the email and realized they were turning my application down. Why? Because not knowing what it meant, I said no to overlapping shifts. I was so bummed and didn't want something that simple to disqualify me. So I called down there and talked to someone. The lady was so nice and I told her that I really wanted to work there. So she went in and released my application so I could change my answer and they could reconsider me. That was close!

Lesson learned: know what things are and what an agency is looking for. Be willing to accommodate them if you want to work there bad enough.

So cross your fingers for me and I will let you know what happens.

The 6 Foot Wall

2008-10-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Today I was at the academy and tried out the physical agility part of the course. I have been seeing a trainer for the past few months to get into better shape. So when it came to the push-ups, crunches, lunges, etc. I was ready. Yes it was hard, but I hung in there and did it better than most. But following the basic PT was my biggest fear, the 6 foot wall. Honestly I am 5 feet and 3 and a half inches tall, I don't just very high either. So how in the world was I gonna make it over this wall? I ran up the first time and barely accomplished anything. Then the instructor gave me some techniques and sent me to try again. I DID IT!! I made it over the wall and not once but 4 times today. I felt like I accomplished something, actually I know I did.

Physically this was a big deal, emotionally this was an even bigger deal. I am struggling so much in my personal life and that 6 foot wall was so symbolic of the barriers in my life and helping me realize that I can do anything I really want to do. I may need to try things and I may fail, but if I look for a new technique and try it again I might just accomplish what I wanted in the end.

Mid-life Crisis??

2008-10-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

When exactly does a mid-life crisis happen? Is there an age or just a point in your life? Or is it something similar to when a woman is a little grumpy and men just assume it must be PMS?

Someone suggested to me that I was experiencing "some kind of mid-life crisis". Does the fact that I am trying to find myself after all these years of being someone's wife or the mommy to 4 kids qualify me? Then does that mean that I am going to die at about 60 years old? Honestly these things have puzzled me ever since the comment was made. But honestly I associate mid-life crisis with a hot new car, and God knows that is not anywhere in my near future. So I think if the comment must be made I should really be given that 4x4, 8 inch lifted, big old tires truck I have been wanting. Don't you agree?

So this is where I stand, and yes I am taking a stand. I am continuing to be a good mommy, as good of a wife as I can possibly be, and finding myself. Haven't found me yet, but I think I am headed towards the right road.

Role Play

2008-10-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life can be so funny. Little things can happen that can really throw you for a loop...good and bad that is. I have had so many of those moments the last few days, thankfully the good outweigh the bad by far. For that I am thankful to my friends.

Today was an interesting day. I went out to the police academy to do role play for the future police officers, if they pass of course. So they get dispatched to a call and we play out a scenario, the react and are graded by an evaluator. I did sign papers that I cannot talk much about the day, but I can say I had to attempt suicide 6 times...what a place to be emotionally. I was also in a bar scene that was a lot less emotional though. Overall it honestly was a really fun day, I learned so much, yet I also had a chance to see how much I have learned in school. I am taking a criminal procedures class this semester so it benefited me the most in this aspect of my life.

Now I am home, exhausted after a long night. Tomorrow I will be back at the academy, who knows what trouble I will be getting myself into.

Lost

2008-10-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

I am in such a funk today. I have so much built up inside that I have to keep inside and I just wanna scream. All these feelings I have to keep inside, but honestly how long does it have to be this way? And why can't people just leave me alone, if I don't want to talk, don't pry. There are certain things that don't involve everyone in my life and chances are I am not going to open up.

My life...just when I think I know what direction I am going everything changes. I know what is in my heart, I know what I truly want, I just really have no idea how to get there. So I will keep searching for the balance and the happiness in those parts of my life they are missing. It is just funny how those I reach out to just push me away and those I need space from won't back away, hmm....maybe that's my problem!

Babies and Tickets

2008-10-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of babysitting a sweet little boy today. I love babies, but I do not want anymore of my own. So a friend was in need of last minute child care and it worked out well with my schedule for the day. He was so sweet and Kylie was just the best assistant babysitter ever.

While we were babysitting we had a visit from a friend I haven't seen much since she moved away. Elina and I have been friends for at least 10 years now. She was this anti baby women when we met, terrified of their germs, annoyed by every sound they made, and now she is one of the most amazing mommies I have ever met. She loves little Ellie like a perfect mommy should. We sat for a while and talked mom talk then headed out for lunch. It was a great morning and afternoon.

Then it happened...I got my first ticket in 7 years. I even tried telling the officer that I was trying to get a job at a police department and I needed to keep my record clean, but the stupid CHP officer didn't care. He did tell me that I was welcome to take driving school online to clear it from my record, wasn't that thoughtful? So my wonderful day turned kinda crappy in an instant.

Now my children are heading out the door to go with Grandma, they are having a little birthday party for Grandpa tonight and I have to work. I'm sure the night will be better then the day ended up.

Where I stand...

2008-10-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

My class is making me crazy. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA till now and this class is the first time that my grade depends so much on a group effort. We each have to write a paper on one topic then one person has to combine all the papers to make a final draft. As you can see off to the right under the "How is school going?" list we are not doing all that well. So we have 2 down and 6 to go. I am the only one going full force with every extra credit opportunity, maybe that will make the difference. I know that I cannot have a perfect grade in every class, but it would be nice if I was in control of my grade and not depending on other people.

As for my other class I am doing really well. I have my first out of 2 essays for the semester due this Friday and I feel really good about it. I am also in the midst of trying to plan out what I need to take next semester so I can be prepared to tell any potential employer.

Then I have the news about the job search. I have applied for a dispatcher position at two different police departments. I finally, after about 2 months, got the email I was waiting for. On October 25th I will be taking the POST written test, which will determine whether or not I move forward in the application process. So I could really use the support right now, cross your fingers and wish me luck.

Off

2008-10-06T12:26:00.001-07:00

You know those times when you have something you need to say? The words are so clear in you head, but for whatever reason they just don't seem the same when and if they come out. This seems to be the story of my life right now. I have these things in my head that I can't seem to get out. Things that really need to come out, they are important but they are stuck there. So the thought is if I ramble about to to the world maybe then I will solve the problem.

I have the day off today, from work and school. Amazing I know because honestly this is really rare. There is so much I need to get done, but even still it feels like there is not nearly enough time. I have a friend coming over and I really need to see her. She is that friend I can tell anything to. Our schedules are so crazy it is really hard for us to talk. This really should be a good day...something about it is so off for me though.

Oh well, better luck tomorrow I guess.

Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

It's those little moments you take for granted. The family things you do every year, but when it is a miracle for all the schedules to come together you really appriciate those times. I was supposed to be off work today and we decided that rain or shine we were going to the pumpkin patch. Then the boss told me I had to work and we agreed on a night shift this I didn't have to change my plans. So we did it. We put on our boots and prepared ourselves for a muddy day. It wasn't that bad, no rain and hardly any mud. We climbed hay piles and hoped back down, went through a hay maze, picked out the perfect pumpkins and even milked a cow. Yep the girl from San Diego finally milked a cow. And by the way, for those who have not tried it, it's not like you see in the movies. Oh and it fells really weird too. But now after 28 year I can say I have done it, right?

It was a great morning and now I have to start getting ready for work. I finally got tired of such and unpredictable schedule, I told the bosses that I am no longer available of Thurdays and Fridays. At least now I can have some set days to get the things done around here. Hopefully that will be that start to finding my balance.

Rant

2008-09-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

Okay all you parents out there, I have a question for you...Why is it that the days before you leave for a vacation without kids and the days right after you get home have to be so damn hard? It's like the kids go crazy the days before you leave just to make it easier for you to want to get away and then they make it hell when you get home just to pay you back for going. Luckily 3 out of the 4 had school today so I only had my emotional, hormonal, terrible 3 year old daughter to deal with, but oh my goodness that girl can talk. Not to mention whine and cry about EVERYTHING!!!!! I had some errands to get done so we were all over the place today and when we got home I took a much needed nap.

So the rest of our day is at the in laws house. We have invited ourselves over for dinner (I am giggling on the inside at the thought of how much they love when I do that!!). It made it easier on everyone since I have a school function to be at in Santa Rosa at 7pm. It gives me some extra adults to help with the kids and gives the kids a change of scenery.

So thanks for reading my quick little rant. I really needed to vent for a minute, now it is back to the never ending homework for me.

Vacation

2008-09-28T16:22:00.001-07:00

Guess I should have listened to the guy at work. He is a regular and always reads me my horoscope. He told me last week that it said I was going to be leaving for a trip but things were gonna go wrong. I never listen to that crap, maybe I should have.

Dave and I went to the houseboat on Lake Shasta for a nice weekend away. We got there Saturday night and took the boat out close to Bridge Bay Marina. We had dinner and just enjoyed a nice, quiet and relaxing weekend. The next morning we pumped out the boat, filled the propane and we were off to find the perfect spot to park for the weekend. Well... as we were cruising along a very obnoxious, high pitched sound went off. We tried desperately to find out why and couldn't. We called my father-in-law and he gave is some suggestions, only to find out that the water pump went out on the out drive. This causes the motor to overheat. So we had to shut it off and float the boat in the middle of the lake. We made some calls for help but not much came of that, at least not for a while. So the thought was to let the boat cool back to 140 degrees where it should be and then we would head back towards the marina. When the temp went back up we would find a place to park the boat for the night in hopes that help would come by morning.

Well we waited, and waited, and waited, checking the temp periodically, like watching a pot boil there seemed to be no change. Not much to do from the middle of the lake. We played games, read some magazines and took a nap. After about 6 hours the temp was finally down. So Dave started the boat and we were on our way. Well we got about 100 feet and the temp was right back up to 240 again. There was smoke coming from the engine and everything. So we had to just wait.

Not long after a boat came from the marina to tow us in and we were stuck in that marina for the rest of our "vacation". Fun right???

I have to say, I realized why Dave and I are together this weekend. Maybe it's because things always seem to go wrong when we are together, but we know how to make the best of it. We can laugh about anything and aside from being stranded and never getting to swim or hike or go shooting, we still had fun. We needed a weekend to remind us what our marriage was all about!!

Where's Waldo...ok Where's Tammy?

2008-09-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

So I am off on my weekend away, but not at the "Happiest Place on Earth". That trip has officially been postponed till November. Why? Well because the guilt of not taking our children kinda took over and we decided to wait a little l, plan better and take at least some of the kids with us. Honestly, I don't think I would have enjoyed Disneyland as much as I would have liked to. I am so tired and really just needed a break, time to rest and regroup so I can survive the next month.

So that leaves the question to where am I? Kinda like "Where's Waldo?" Although some of you know where I am let's make a little guessing game out of this. Where do you think I am?? I will post an anwser tomorrow. Hint: I should come home with a nice tan cause the weather is amazing here and I have no kids to interrupt.

Contentment

2008-09-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Aiden was very upset with me because I was not going to be home for dinner again. I promised him I would bring him home some chocolate cake we could share to make up for it. Thing is I felt bad with the thought that he would not get to have his cake till the next night while I was back at work yet again. So you can imagine how happy I was when the boss said I could go home early last night. Early...meaning I was cut from the floor at 7:30pm and left at 8pm and home by 8:35pm. My kids were all still awake, in bed (except Aiden), but awake. It has been so long since I have been able to hug my kids goodnight that I made a point of going in a cuddling each one of them. Then I happily went and shared some chocolate cake with Aiden before he was off to bed too. I don't think there are words that can express the contentment (is that even a word? Who knows, I like it!!) I felt being able to tuck them all in.

So this morning it was up and out the door before anyone was awake to be at school at 7:30am. I have felt a little defeated at school because I got a 14/20 on my first essay, all because I forgot to mention the case law in the paper, I referred to it but I didn't specifically state it. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA after 3 semesters and "C" papers are not the way. So can be sure I am going to take up the offer to do any extra credit the teacher offers. Last class he posted that for extra credit we could volunteer to role play at the police academy. So I called and set up my days to role play, 5 days to be exact, yes in my free time. So I had a little confidence boost this morning when I asked if there was extra credit for each day I volunteered and the teacher told me, "We will work something out, not that you need it," this said with a smile. I have taken a class with him before, so he knows me and how much my education means, but this class had a prereq I hadn't taken and I had to petition to get in. He signed off on it for me with the agreement that I would take the prereq class concurrently. So needless to say there is a part of me that feels like I have to prove myself in this class. Oh and by the way I already turned in the second essay and I remembered to add 800 E.C. as the statute in the paper, for those who don't know that is the Opinion Evidence rule in the Evidence Code.

Distracted

2008-09-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it because I am so tired or just having an odd week, but last night I was so ADD. We went to the Giants game and it seemed to go from a night at the ball game to more of a "people watching" event, at least for me. It was like every time someone said something anywhere around me my head would spin around to see who was talking. Not because I was nosey or really cared about what they were saying, more because there was this magnetic force turning my head around. Then I couldn't help but watch every single person walk down the stairs. It is really comical to witness. You know that guy that is just trying so hard not to spill his beer, or the one that can't seem to find his seat? Even worse is the fact that everyone seems to be bull-legged as they walk down. Which then made me so self conscious of how I walked down the stairs. Then there was this lady walking up and down holding a sign that said something like "Giants Baseball Games 2008", she went up and down every aisle just like the guys that sell all the peanuts and sodas, with the pagent girl smile. When she came by us the guy next to me asked what she was selling and she didn't even respond, like she was in a trance. And last, but certainly not least, was the guy selling Coke and Crackerjacks, he had a little slip up...he stopped right next to my seat to yell, "Coke and Crack", the he turned really red when he realized his mistake, not to mention the fact that he couldn't even keep a straight face as he walked back by.

So there you have it, see you don't have to like baseball to be amused at the game. Thing is I actually like to go and watch the game, I just couldn't seem to do it this time.

Life In The Fast Lane

2008-09-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

I think I actually remember a time when life was somewhat simple. When I knew what was coming from day to day. Being a stay home mom it was so much easier to plan things out and follow through, or to just have those days where you just stayed home. I really thought I missed being at work and out of the house. Don't get me wrong I am not in any way trying to say the life of a stay home mom is simple, just that for me it was simpler than where I am right now.

I have worked the last 4 days and I have to work tonight. I finally have a day off tomorrow, but I have to go to get my car fixed then I work 2 more days before I finally leave town. Oh but wait this does not include the fact that I have school, a fieldtrip with Aiden's class, and I have a paper due at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow. Then I have some bills that have to be paid this week, a meeting for the kids health care that I have put off for far to long, a ton of laundry, and packing to do. I am so exhausted!

So everyone knows I am supermom and I will get it all done, the bigger issue is having time with my kids. I miss all those times I was able to just sit and cuddle or just watch them play. It was like I was able to see them grow right before me. Now I feel like I am starting to miss so much. But for all the years I have spent being DJ's mom, Dakota's mom, Aiden's mom, and Kylie's mom not to mention the cabinet guy's wife it is finally time for me to find me. Time to do something I wanna do, and be somebody I wanna be.

On the more positive side, someone asked me last night if I had any regrets having kids so young. This is not the first time I have been asked this recently, so here is my anwser. I see so many people who go to college, get a degree, start a career, get married and of course next thing to do is have kids. Then what happens you either have to stop that career you worked so hard for and possibly lose it forever to be a parent, or you can put your kid in daycare and let someone else raise them from the time they are a baby. Not me, I did the mom thing, I watched my babies grow into strong, independant children ready to take on the world. Now I have 3 down and one to go in school (the last one will start school next fall) and I am starting my journey. So do I have regrets?? Not a chance!!

High

2008-09-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am on this crazy high today, no I do not smoke pot, I meant high on life. I don't even really know why. I feel so happy and content, which is weird cause my life can be really stressful so I am not sure how to take it. So I am sitting here thinking to myself, what did I do different today, cause yeah I would love to feel like this everyday.

I started my morning grabbing my blankie (yes I sleep with a special blankie) and crawling into bed with my daughter. She was sound asleep and so precious and I just lay next to her telling her that she is beautiful and that I love her sooooo much. A little cheesy right? But I love that really cute, kinda goofy little smile she gets and when she says in her little voice, barely awake, "Mama, I love you."

Then it was off to the living room to greet my boys, give them baths and get everyone ready for school. Everyone parted ways and I was off to school too. I found out when I got there that I got an "A" on my first exam of the semester in my criminal procedures class. Then I came home cuddled my babies and put them to bed for their nap.

So there you have it, nothing incredibly exciting, yet here I am happy as can be and soon to be off to work. Maybe it's a sign of things to come.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2008-09-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

So for those who know me you know that "random" should be my middle name. I requested next weekend off because my life has become work, school and kids. I really need to break away from the routine. But can I just take a break and do something simple...um no!! So I am going to the happiest place on earth. Yes for those who don't know that means Disneyland!!

I have been trying so hard to take a trip to Disneyland for the past few years. Last time I went was back in November of 2003 and don't get me wrong I had a good time, but being pregnant kinda takes some of the fun away. You know that really big roller coaster at California Adventure? Yeah I got to sit and watch everyone go on it! Fun! So I am so excited to finally get to go and have fun and even better we are gonna go with some friends that I absolutely love. So watch out So Cal here I come.

Now I just have to survive the next week. :0)~~

P.S. No I am not taking the kids!!!!

If your happy and you know it...

2008-09-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

You know that friend...we all have one...the one with the "perfect" life? The friend that everytime you call tells you have perfect her relationship is, her kids can do no wrong and everything is just wonderful. That friend that you don't want to share you feelings with or ever cry to because you feel so embarrassed, wondering how you have made these mistakes in your life when a perfect life is out there. I had that friend, you know who you are...come to find out that even when I thought my life was at it's worst, that friend's life, their everyday was worse than those moments I thought were so tough. Even though I was embarrassed about the choices I made that friend was even more embarrassed to share that not only did life suck, but they had lied about it all this time.

This came up today in a conversation with a friend. She was teeling about her friend with the "perfect" life and how sick she is of hearing about it. So here is what I wanna share...to those who are living your so-called perfect life, you don't have to put on a show, friends are here for you but we can't be if you don't tell the truth. And for those who are sick of that friend, stick it out, they might have that moment when it all just falls apart and knowing that you have struggled too will allow them to know they really aren't alone, that friend is gonna need to know they aren't alone.